They were poles apart. Pavi was very shy and the teacher’s pet. Ravi was naughty and a troublemaker. Pavi was plump and had a cute dimple. Ravi’s hair was always messed up and would usually go home with at least one bruise on some part of the body. Both were 8 years old, lived in the same society and went to the same class in the same school. 

But Ravi & Pavi were never apart. Nobody understood their friendship but they understood each other very well. They loved playing in the park together. While Pavi painted, Ravi would play video games. When Ravi burped, Pavi applauded. When Ravi’s Sixer would break a window, Pavi would  be made to flash those sweet dimples and apologize on Ravi’s behalf. Pavi was sensitive and would often cry. Ravi would know when to be supportive and when to give space. 

All would have gone perfectly fine if one day the boys from the neighbourhood building had not come strolling into the park the best friends played in. 

As usual Ravi was being mischievous. Pavi had a bar of chocolate that Ravi snatched and ran away with. Pavi knew that Ravi was too fast and gave up the race. Upset and hungry, Pavi began to cry. 

The gang of boys who had been silent bystanders until now…started laughing. Pointing at Pavi, the tallest of them all and the apparent leader of the group remarked loudly, “Look at that cute little girl crying for a chocolate! Fatty’s hungry? Awww! Come I’ll teach you how to run and get it!” Pavi immediately stopped crying. Ravi stormed up to them and demanded, ‘Who are you and where are you from? And why are you insulting my friend?!’ The leader took a few steps ahead and looked amusingly at Ravi’s angry face. Turning to his friends, he says, “Hey look at this! Baby girl has a baby bodyguard!” Ravi could bear the insolence no longer and kicked the older boy on the shin. He was caught by surprise and would have struck Ravi if they hadn’t heard the whistle of the park watchman and seen him coming running in their direction. “Ayyy…chalo niklo yahaan se! Gunde kahin ke! Bachon pe haath uthaega??! Bhago…” (Translation- You scoundrels…get away from here! Don’t you dare raise your hands on the kids! Run away…) Scared of the burly watchman, the boy and his gang disappeared quickly. 

The term ‘Toxic masculinity’ was not coined for men-bashing. It is not an implication that masculinity is toxic in itself. Toxic masculinity is a serious issue that must be dealt with. It’s important to note that all men do not succumb to such behaviours. 

According to Wikipedia: The concept of toxic masculinity is used in psychology and gender studies to refer to certain norms of masculine behavior in North America and Europe that are associated with harm to society and to men themselves.

Associate Professor of Psychology at University of Wisconsin-La Crosse, Dr. Ryan McKelley has his own running definition of the term that explains it well:

The birth of ‘toxic masculinity’ arises from gender stereotyping. The patriarchal system that created rigid definitions of femininity also did so for masculinity. Every time a parent (both men and women are guilty of propagating gender norms) tells a young boy to ‘be a man’ or ‘man up’ or ‘don’t be a wuss’, we disturb the natural course of things. “Mard ko dard nahin hota” is not a motivation line, it is an unwavering belief. 

According to McKelley, toxic masculinity appears everywhere and can be in the form of common slurs, modern music, at school and outside of school, etc. Such behaviours could be displayed by men consciously or in a sub-conscious manner. 

Groups of men engaging in sexual jokes, eve-teasing, trash talk and even gang-rapes are manifestations of this issue. 

Popular culture that glorifies the hero bashing up 20 men fearlessly single-handedly makes the matter worse. 

As far as I can see, this toxic notion of masculinity is being championed by men who are so terrified of confronting any trauma experienced as children that they choose to project that torture on to the lives of others rather than themselves.

What’s even more upsetting is that often when men allow themselves to feel this pain, it’s so new to them that they kill themselves. We live in a society where men feel safer killing themselves than acknowledging pain. Accepting the patriarchy from a place of false benefit will prevent you from ever truly loving yourself or understanding others. It’s OK to feel sad. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to have loved your mum and dad growing up. It’s OK to have missed them or wanted more affection. It’s OK to take a moment when you’re reminded of these truths. When you allow your brain to access these emotions, it knows exactly what to do. So nurture yourself. Talk honestly to the people around you, and welcome the notion of understanding them more than you have ever done before.

Sexual objectification is the act of treating a person as a mere object of sexual desire– one that serves another’s sexual pleasure.

The phrase “sexual objectification” has been around since the 1970s. Women have been objectified for as long as women have been used for men’s sexual pleasure. If earlier it meant strip tease shows, brothels, and pornographic art, today, it is rampant in our mainstream pop-culture.

A classic question that you can ask is:

Does the image suggest that sexual availability is the defining characteristic of the person? 

.@NandosIndia disgusting, disappointing, disturbing, absolute rubbish# u need sensible marketers @unwomenindia pic.twitter.com/TL8VtKUXQM

— Nishtha Satyam (@SatyamNishtha) March 26, 2016

There are several ways women are objectified in ads. Read this article to find out more. 

Watch this funny video to understand the extents we go to sell a product. 

This video perfectly portrays what I am talking about. Not only do we objectify women everyday…by not saying anything and consuming such content, we normalize it. 

In her thesis for Doctor of Philosophy, Ms. Madhusmita Das analysed 268 advertisements and corroborated the findings with the perceptions of people by surveying 500 respondents to understand the ‘Portrayal of Women in Indian Television Advertisements’. The study found that women in Indian TV advertisements are mostly portrayed in decorative and family role, and rarely as working and free wheeler (Where the decorative role of woman in advertisements refers to the portrayal of women as concern for physical beauty and as sex object and freewheeler as independent decision maker). 

We see it in our movies, our TV shows and our web-series. The only place where we see a few real people and character thankfully are in our short films. What does that mean? That everything that’s commercial needs a sex element to sell it?

Men are also sexually objectified

We have all seen these underwear ads. The man has washboard abs and lip marks all over his body. This ad actually objectifies both men and women. The underlining (pun not intended) idea here is that men who are strong, well-groomed and have a good physique attract women whose job is to then shower the men with attention. 

Our images, ads, movies etc. make people feel that their job is to ‘be wanted’. 

The ‘six—pack’ objectification of men results in men wanting to spend too much time in the gym or driving for perfection. It drives many men to consume steroids or body enhancement drugs. Little do they know that unsupervised consumption of such drugs could be fatal. Often in films, if you see an unfit guy, he will play the role of the hero’s friend and is usually funny. The message to men: if you are not good-looking, you better be funny!

While men are objectified, the extent of it is limited. Also, as we saw in the above ad, the power-play between men and women still tends to be intact with the man shown as the more dominant one. 

The effect of sexual objectification on women on the other hand, has more far-reaching impact. The need to be viewed as sexual objects creates tremendous pressure. In case one does not measure up to the impossible standards set out by these ads…then it negatively affects your self-worth. This leads to several issues:

Read about what NYU Steinhardt Department of Applied Psychology has to say on the effects of sexual objectification on the victim.

An extensive and terrifying study published in Archives Of Sexual Behavior in 2016 points out how this link tends to work. According to the scientists behind it,

It is this sense of entitlement that men feel, that leads to sexual assault and rapes. 

Recently Hindi Film actress, Vidya Balan revealed that- “Once an Army official came in front of her while I was standing at a station and he was staring at my breasts continuously which made her feel very uncomfortable.”

What followed next will shock you. Army officer named Rahul Sangwan created a video to respond to Vidya Balan’s statement in a poetic manner. The Army Jawan gave an argument that rather than tarnishing the entire defense forces, the actor could have chosen to ignore the man who stared at her. He references her role in Dirty Picture in order to imply that sexual harassment more as a result of female provocation and less as male aggression.

You cannot negate sexual objectification by arguing the right and freedom for women to wear what they want

When PETA India ran the above ad, with the ex-porn start lying alluringly on a bed of chillies to encourage the public to stop eating meat. (in line with their international campaigns which are also equally provocative), Sowmya Rajendran from TheNewsMinute wrote an article: ‘PETA India’s Sunny Leone ad: Is it ok to objectify women to save animals?’

PETA India CEO Poorva Joshipura wrote a rejoinder to her article. I have placed an extract of it below:

Sowmya wrote back and defended her stand by saying:

One can never talk about the objectification of the female body in any media if we’re going to equate this with someone dictating a woman’s choice of dress. The women we see in films and advertisements are performing with their full consent but that doesn’t mean that there is no objectification involved in these representations and that they cannot be subjected to feminist critique. Or that the companies and organisations who run these campaigns cannot be questioned. 

We feel bad. We shake our head. Yet another rape. Another gangrape. ‘Kya hoga is country ka?’ And we go back to sipping our tea. Little do we know that we are adding fuel to the fire. Yes, my friends, we are propagating the rape culture.

The title image indicates just what Rape Culture is about. If Rape Culture dismisses rape…it dismisses itself as well!

This mentality is deep-rooted and is the reason why we have been hearing of so many rape cases in the news of late. Rape culture does not imply promoting rape. It’s an undercurrent in our cultural practices that makes excuses for sexual violence.

Here is a video that speaks of the Rape Culture prevalent in Haryana. (I have mentioned this in a previous post but would like to highlight it here.)

“Once a girl turns 14 or 15, you can’t call it rape after that. There is always consent.”
– An elderly man in Mankawas village, Charkhi Dadri district 

“The girl has to have done something wrong, that’s why she’s been raped.”
– A Class 8 boy from Bhiwani 

Rape culture is not just prevalent in Haryana. It is everywhere. Women have historically been considered second-class citizens who were not thought to deserve the same rights as their male counterparts. Our patriarchal system is the reason why we think and behave this way. 

In a fellow blogger, Kanika’s blog post I read that it was believed that a female orgasm is essential for conception. So if an alleged rape results in a pregnancy, then it can’t be a rape at all, because the woman experienced pleasure! The truth is that an orgasm is involuntary and can occur during rape. This does not take away from the heinousness of the crime. 

And rape culture is the sad reality that in 127 countries rape within marriage is still not considered a crime, including in India!

The system of rape culture affects men too

“Toxic masculinity”. is a gender stereotype burdening the men in society, depicting them as sexually driven, violent beings. This is the reason why men do not complain when they are raped. They are ashamed of the trauma. 

A Khap Panchyat member Sube Singh had given a bizzare ‘solution’ to the ‘rapes’ and suggested that the marriageable age for girls should be reduced to 16 years. He later blamed movies and television for rapes. 

A friend asked me if rapes will stop if we legalize prostitution. Or if it will stop if we fast track cases for speedy justice. Sure these measures will help. We must do everything we can to ensure that lesser women feel unsafe. We need legal reforms, policy reforms. more structures in place that allow women to feel safe enough to raise their voice against assaults. Marital Rape must be made a criminal offense in India. 

As a society, we cannot turn our heads against what is happening around us. We must raise our voices. We must encourage women to name and shame their abusers. We must not let our fandom or our ostrich mentality get in the way of justice. 

We need to support and be part of as many organizations as we can to change the mentality that rape = sex and rape cannot occur without consent. Rape is not sex and whenever force is used for sex without the other’s consent, it is rape. 

Going back to the definition of rape: “the violation of another person’s autonomy, the use of another person’s body against their wishes.” That means the rapist is always at fault, not the victim. 

4) We should not think that marrying the rapist solves the problem 

Again, please look at the definition. The crime of being forced to do something against their will can’t suddenly stop being a crime because of marriage. 

Yesterday, Ali Zafar, the Pakistani singer was accused of sexual harassment by another singer. The news broke out in the morning. During the day, as usual there were a bunch of celebrities who came out saying they didn’t know the facts of the case, but Ali could not have done it. Of, course a lot of fans showed their support. Really? Fandom before empathy? And towards the end of the day, we had more women come forward with allegations. Why do people judge the victim or doubt her instead of giving her the benefit of doubt?! Is it because most men find it easy to be in the shoes of the man and not the woman? 

6) We should not support Rape Jokes 

This angers me more than anything. How can anything about rape by funny? Why do we dismiss it? It is imperative that we do not create, share, like or encourage any jokes that objectify women. It’s not that women can’t handle jokes. But rape jokes are a no-no. 

We all know how anyone with a conscience feels when we see such stories. These get made because we watch them. And because they get made, we watch them. Why does a smoking scene require a disclaimer and an item number doesn’t!? Maybe because in some movies… the whole time the movie is played we’ll need the disclaimer: ‘Objectifying women is wrong’ !! It’s a vicious cycle. Let’s put an end to this. 

Women and men don’t “have” to do anything or be anyone. This is the root of the problem. Men don’t need to be “macho” or “powerful” and women don’t need to be “submissive”. 

We need children to be taught how to behave with women and with other boys when they speak about women. We must teach them the importance of consent. That’s how we ensure a better future. 

We must not allow people in power do any or all of the above. We must hold our politicians accountable for the safety of our women.

What are your thoughts on the rape culture and on the recent situation in our country? Do share your views.

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