How many times have you heard this phrase – ‘Jaane do’? Translated as ‘Let it go’, it is uttered by many of us who hate confrontations. 

• ‘The teacher was unfair to me.’ 

         -‘Jaane do. Study harder next time.’

I have always been someone who did her own thing. And I never cared for what is supposed to be done. That’s pretty much the point of feminism – women should be able to lead their lives the way they want to and not be judged for it.

So if I lead a life that’s already fine, why do I advocate Feminism?

Because what I see and hear and read, makes me cringe. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am sensitive. My sensitivity makes me want to right every wrong that happens to me and around the world. It makes me want fairness everywhere and all the time. I support LGBTQ rights. I don’t believe in the caste system. I don’t judge a person for their beliefs and customs until they try and push it down other people’s throats.

Since I am a Feminist, my world will only make sense when everyone in it is a Feminist. Because that’s when we will treat everyone as equal.

If you think that I am wearing rose-tinted glasses…you are either a Tired Feminist or a Sexist. I truly believe that people either believe in equality or they don’t. Those who do and have given up because they don’t see things changing are the one’s I call Tired Feminists. As an Incorrigible Feminist, I hope to motivate the Tired Feminist. But pushing my beliefs on a Sexist is against my belief. It’s only when we have more conversations will things change for the better.

Here is an example of me raising my voice and how it resulted into an important conversation:

I recently viewed a video online on the Film Companion YouTube Channel where Anupama Chopra interviewed newbies Ishaan Khattar and Malavika Mohanan as a part of their promotions for the Majid Majidi movie – Beyond the clouds.

Now I felt that there was gender inequality at play when I viewed the video. So what did I do? I wrote a comment making a suggestion for a small step towards Gender Equality. You can view the video and read the comment here. I have also attached a screenshot of the comments I received. I was very polite. But I received comment after comment as to how impractical my request was. Then a male feminist (Nilanjan Dey) entered the conversation and wrote a rather large comment agreeing with me. Suddenly the tone of the conversation changed. As I write this, people are still replying to my comment.

I have learnt 2 important things from this experience of mine:

1) We need to have more of these conversations on public platforms.

2) Sexist men will prefer to have the feminism conversation with a male feminist. 

As a Feminist, I take a stand against what I see as injustice. Just as I have had my own journey that has led me to here, a sexist has his/ her own journey. (Yes, women can also be sexists.) Have you ever said ‘Be a man!’ or ‘Career girls don’t make good wives?’ Then you are a sexist. Read here to know some more sexist things we say all the time.

The path to gender equality is a long one and we have to reach the goal together. Women can’t reach the destination by themselves. In a world where men and women have to live together, the only way out is through compassion and conversation. 

To all those who have been told that ‘There is a reason why things are the way they are and don’t question it’, I have a request. I came across a short web-series of 4 episodes of around 15 minutes each – ‘Man’s world’ that could change your mind. Here is the link to the first episode. It would be great if you invested around one hour to view the videos. If you still think like the protagonist ‘Pavan’ in the beginning of Episode 1 (i.e. that women are privileged, they crib too much and that marital rape is ok) let’s discuss. In case you agree with what ‘Kiran’ says at the end of the 4th Episode, then you are a #FeministHero and I definitely want to interact with you.

I agree with Kiran. I believe that it isn’t a Man Vs. Women War. It isn’t about rules. It’s about ‘Give Respect and Get Respect’. It is about ‘Live and Let live’. I believe that things will only improve when men and women talk more and understand each other’s perspectives. Hopefully we see each other’s point of view and take a step closer to gender equality.

My husband supports me in every decision I take. Because he likes seeing me happy. And I am happy when I talk about my idealistic philosophies. So…he listens to me when I speak to him about Feminism. But there is a rule… only 1 conversation per day on Feminism. He says it becomes too “heavy” beyond that. I abide by that rule. Because it’s important that we talk. He also calls my bluff when I ask him to do something that I very well can do for myself. And points out when my ranting requires some toning down. 

I am an Incorrigible Feminist. I will speak my mind. But I will also listen to you. I will do my bit to make a small change in the world. Will you?

In the fantasy series of Harry Potter, Lord Voldemort was the main antagonist who chose evil means to become the supreme ruler. The Dark Lord’s terror was so widespread that people were too scared to take his name.

Harvey Weinstein was the Dark Lord of Hollywood. His power and influence trumped that of many A-list actresses. There were hushed whispers of ‘You-Know-Who’ all along in Hollywood but fearing the worst, they all protected ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’.  

Now young Harry Potter bravely took Voldemort’s name because Dumbledore had wisely advised him, “Call him Voldemort, Harry…Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.”  

Following the Harvey Weinstein scandal, Actress Alyssa Milano wrote a call-out on Twitter asking followers to share their stories of sexual harassment and assault using the phrase “Me too.” But she was not the who created the campaign. The campaign was started 10 years ago by a Black woman! Tarana Burke is the original creator of the #MeToo campaign. It was to be a catchphrase of solidarity.

In an earlier blog post, I wrote about how in a video. female comedian, Aditi Mittal spoke of a horrible incident of sexism at a discussion with fellow comedians Daniel Fernandes and Karunesh. She however refrained from taking his name. Karunesh did. Other men showed their support by posting positive comments to the video. 

Ever felt low and less confident after meeting someone?

Ever felt worried that you are losing your memory and your sanity because someone you trust keeps telling you that you are?

Ever been told…

‘Calm down! You have gone totally mad! Give your imagination some rest woman!’

Or ‘Hey, come on! Don’t be so sensitive! Stop all this crazy talk! You know I care for you so much.’

Ever received a backhanded compliment? ‘You don’t look like a Malayalee at all!’

Ever received a compliment followed by a critique? ‘That dress is amazing but you should lose a little more weight to look amazing in it.’

Were you ever compared to someone you didn’t know? ‘You remind me so much of my best friend’s girl-friend!’ Did it make you want to do everything you could to become better than this person you have never met?

These are cases of Negging.

Misogynists typically resort to negging to put ‘over-confident women’ in their place.

I didn’t know what gaslighting or negging was until recently. But when I did, I realized that owing to my own naivety I’ve been a victim of these extremely dangerous forms of emotional abuse many times over.

‘Gaslighting’ means to ‘manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own memory, perceptions and sanity.’

The term ‘gaslighting’ owes its origin to a 1938 play ‘Gas Light’ where the husband dims the lights in the house while searching for some jewels. When the wife noticed it and brought it up, he called it a figment of her imagination. The husband then continued to manipulate her and successfully convinced her into thinking that she had indeed lost her sanity through a series of seemingly unexplained incidents.

Those who resort to gaslighting will first charm you and win your trust. All is well till the time the target / victim falls in line with the gaslighter’s wishes. Then when they are caught lying or the target doubts his/ her intentions, thy resort to gaslighting.

Here begins the journey of breaking your confidence by discrediting your memories and feelings. And when you bring it up, they will make you seem silly and immature for doing so. They will dismiss you as well as the situation and convince you to nip it in the bud. In case you persist, they will either change the topic or pretend to have been hurt by your actions making themselves appear as the victim. Now the latter is a very cunning move…because you will end up feeling miserable and will apologize for the wrong being done to you. They will never apologize to you. This is a big tell-tale sign.

Gaslighters are usually very intelligent people and craft their arguments very well. They have a strong need to be right always and hence you will feel never win arguments with them. They will alternate between being nice and mean. All this is a part of their agenda and it will upset you, confuse you and make you feel less confident.

Read more about the tactics of gaslighting in this book. Here is another great article on gaslighting.

According to Urban Dictionary this flirting technique is defined as “low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.” As unbelievable as it may sound, the men who resort to negging wish to make the woman fall for him! Of course he is so insecure that he feels he has a chance only if she is made to feel less confident. One needs to be confident and secure about oneself to realize that a politely worded insult is an insult at the end of the day. Do go through these negging scenarios to protect yourself.

• To undermine your confidence

• To make you always feel confused, frustrated and overwhelmed

• To brainwash you so that you forget your true identity

• To make you vulnerable and ultimately accepting of the manipulator’s wishes

It is important to not let someone else control your emotions and ultimately your actions. A victim of emotional abuse often goes through different stages in the relationship: disbelief, aggression and finally depression. Feeling under-confident and confused all the time can make you feel that you are mentally unstable. It could happen that the victim turns to the manipulator himself for help and this leads to a very vicious circle.

Manipulators usually reach out to targets that come across as under-confident. The sad part is that the more I research on this I realize, that women are easy targets for manipulators. They tend to self-doubt easily – again owing to the years of conditioning and the pressure of being considered perfect. They also usually give the benefit of doubt to the manipulators, elongating the period of manipulation.

But even confident assertive women need to keep their defenses up. The manipulators will appeal to your kindness, compassion and empathy. They may come across as vulnerable initially just to win you over and then proceed to play with your head.

They also tend to target introverts who usually don’t have many friends or a great support system. This makes you defenseless and they know it!

People who are narcissists i.e. those who have “buried their true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self” usually end up manipulating others.

Here are some characteristics of manipulators: 

a) They are charmers

b) They love bragging and often lie 

c) They will never admit to their faults and get angry when someone points them out

d) They love doing things that are not considered ‘normal’ 

e) They get a huge high from being in control 

In a lot of cases, the manipulators are found to have been really insecure and emotionally abusing others is what gives them a sense of superiority.

Don’t think that you need to step away only when physical abuse is involved. Emotional abuse can also have damaging repercussions. No matter what the situation, trust your instinct. If you don’t feel good – it’s time to back off.

Also, there appears to be no positive outcome from confronting your abuser and telling him you know he emotionally abused you. He may get angry or try and charm you in order to continue his tactics.

This is especially important since manipulators will try to keep you away from your support system.

Talking to a professional will help you to sort your insecurities and build your confidence.

1) Those who truly love you will NEVER humiliate you or make you feel horrible about yourself. Sure people make mistakes. But if you realize that someone refuses to ever apologise for having hurt your feelings, please have the courage to end the septic relationship.

2) Never let the confidence in yourself waver because of what someone says. Always give yourself time to assess things objectively. But don’t ever second-guess yourself. Learn to become assertive. You are unique. Don’t try to change for anyone.

3) Never let anyone tell you how to feel or what to feel. If you are ‘too sensitive’ it is ok…embrace it. Spend time with yourself to find out more about yourself and figure out what works and doesn’t work for you.

People resort to manipulation every day- with their partners, at work or with friends. It could be serious or unfortunately even flippant. In rare cases, the manipulators are not exactly aware of what they are doing.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing any of the above forms of manipulation, please please reach out for help. I really wish I knew what gaslighting was much earlier in my life so that I could protect myself. But knowing how I can and have been manipulated, I feel empowered. I know I can prevent it from happening in the future. And I want all my fellow readers to also protect themselves.

Please do share this post with your loved ones. You could also read up more on the subject through books or via several online resources and speak about emotional abuse to your teenage children.

I have always felt huge pride in being an independent woman living in Mumbai and building a life for herself. What I am not so proud about is that I never actively saved. I supported my parents in whichever little way I could…but mostly I spent all my hard-earned money on clothes, shoes and eating out! Well I saved the bare minimum for attaining Income Tax exemptions. When I got married, my saving habits improved quite a bit thankfully. Having been independent for so many years, meant that I would resort to only the money I earned to spend. I didn’t like the idea of asking my husband for money. I would have continued on my self-reliant ways if something hadn’t gone tragically wrong. 

I was forced to take a sudden break from work owing to severely poor health towards the end of last year. It took me a while to recover from my illness. Quitting work had affected my confidence and brought me to the dumps. I was questioning my abilities and my future. I knew I had to pull myself up and turned to my passion – writing. 

Now all writers know that freelance writing projects are hard to come by and my liquid savings were dwindling. I had invested all my savings in long term saving instruments for tax purposes and today I have ended up in a situation I never thought I would – dependent! Reluctant to break my Fixed Deposits or close my Mutual Funds meant that I did not have liquid cash to tide me over till I start earning again. 

So while I broke one stereotype by becoming a working woman, I did not break the other stereotype of women not being good with money. I am a graduate in Commerce and a Post Graduate in Economics and yet I did not plan, save or invest well enough for my financial security! Of course my husband was and is supportive and so are my parents in law. But my parents constantly remind me of the importance of being financially independent, lest I get carried away and get too comfortable with being taken care of. 

I hope to be up and running soon. But my situation has got me to ponder on the reasons why a lot of well-educated and qualified women become financially dependent on their husbands and remain clueless about the way money functions. Before that, we need to ask a very important question: 

In unfortunate circumstances, many women don’t enter the workforce at all. They either don’t equip themselves with sufficient qualifications or even if they do, they end up getting married just after studying. Owing to gender norms, they move from being financially dependent on their fathers to their husbands. These are the women that make India rank a dismal 120th among 130 countries in women’s participation in the workforce. 

But there are several life situations that could cause a well-qualified woman to become financially dependent –marriage, pregnancy and child birth, career shift, further studies, and health issues. 

Marriage and child-birth are traditionally considered very important milestones in a woman’s life- big enough for her to focus all energies on them, barring all else. It’s unfortunate that even today very few will question a non-working wife. The duration of career break in these cases could last anywhere between 3 months to never returning to the workforce. 

A smart and confident woman may continue to work post marriage. In fact she may be so ambitious, that she may decide to take a career break to study further. A rare occurrence, but such women still may need to worry about tiding over up to 2 years of career break. 

She may also wish to change her job or career or be forced to do so owing to health issues, necessitating a break from work that could last to a year or more. 

Very few women go through life without taking a career break at all and yet, very few women prepare for it. 

I am not generalizing. We all know of many inspirational women who have excelled in the financial sector. There are many women who carefully invest time and effort in managing their finances. But, here is what feminists like me would have to accept – a large percentage of women depend on men to take care of their finances especially when they are on a break. Of course it has to do again with cultural conditioning. Men are considered better at managing money. But that’s just because they do more of it and have got good because of all the practise they’ve got! As Feminists, women have no right to ask for equality, if we don’t take responsibility for our finances. Today, when the divorce rates are on the rise, it becomes even more important for women to know the complete ins-and-outs of their money. The courts of today are becoming more and more reluctant to instruct husbands to award ‘maintenance’ to their ex-wives who are qualified. 

Create an Excel Sheet in order to 

a. Keep a track of all your earnings, investments and savings 

b. Keep a track of your expenditure 

c. Keep a very close track of your credit card and other debts 

There are several online and offline courses, websites, youtube videos, blogs etc. to help you learn how to make your hard-earned money work to make more money! No more excuses – get down to it. Understand your risk-appetite and accordingly choose the right investment vehicle. 

3) Have more conversations with your husband about money 

It’s important that both husband and wife are committed to a secure financial future. Women tend to not talk about money. But it is these conversations that help you learn more and get better at money management. 

This is a very crucial step to take for a stable financial future. The rule of thumb is to have a contingency fund of at least 6 times your regularly monthly income that is liquid but remains untouched except in case of emergencies. So you have at least 6 months of savings to get back on your feet in case of emergencies. 

5) Goal planning 

Other than monthly expenditure, you must take joint decisions with your husband on important aspects such as how much money do you want to keep aside for retirement, children’s education or even holidays. 

For more tips on managing your money, visit a friend’s blog that will help you kick off your financial journey. 

Fellow Women, let’s not be hesitant. Let’s not be ignorant. Let’s definitely not be dependent. We have got to conquer our finances first in order to go on and conquer the world!