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A-Z Challenge 2018, Feminism, Fiction

An Uncharacteristic Friendship #FlashFiction

April 24, 2018 by ashwini 22 Comments

They were poles apart. Pavi was very shy and the teacher’s pet. Ravi was naughty and a troublemaker. Pavi was plump and had a cute dimple. Ravi’s hair was always messed up and would usually go home with at least one bruise on some part of the body. Both were 8 years old, lived in the same society and went to the same class in the same school. 
But Ravi & Pavi were never apart. Nobody understood their friendship but they understood each other very well. They loved playing in the park together. While Pavi painted, Ravi would play video games. When Ravi burped, Pavi applauded. When Ravi’s Sixer would break a window, Pavi would  be made to flash those sweet dimples and apologize on Ravi’s behalf. Pavi was sensitive and would often cry. Ravi would know when to be supportive and when to give space. 
All would have gone perfectly fine if one day the boys from the neighbourhood building had not come strolling into the park the best friends played in. 
As usual Ravi was being mischievous. Pavi had a bar of chocolate that Ravi snatched and ran away with. Pavi knew that Ravi was too fast and gave up the race. Upset and hungry, Pavi began to cry. 
The gang of boys who had been silent bystanders until now…started laughing. Pointing at Pavi, the tallest of them all and the apparent leader of the group remarked loudly, “Look at that cute little girl crying for a chocolate! Fatty’s hungry? Awww! Come I’ll teach you how to run and get it!” Pavi immediately stopped crying. Ravi stormed up to them and demanded, ‘Who are you and where are you from? And why are you insulting my friend?!’ The leader took a few steps ahead and looked amusingly at Ravi’s angry face. Turning to his friends, he says, “Hey look at this! Baby girl has a baby bodyguard!” Ravi could bear the insolence no longer and kicked the older boy on the shin. He was caught by surprise and would have struck Ravi if they hadn’t heard the whistle of the park watchman and seen him coming running in their direction. “Ayyy…chalo niklo yahaan se! Gunde kahin ke! Bachon pe haath uthaega??! Bhago…” (Translation- You scoundrels…get away from here! Don’t you dare raise your hands on the kids! Run away…) Scared of the burly watchman, the boy and his gang disappeared quickly. 
The watchman ran towards the kids. He had known them since their childhood – right from the time when their mothers used to bring them to the park. He had seen them play together and watched their friendship grow from strength to strength. But he knew the time had come to make them aware of the truth of the world. He sighed before continuing –”Beta Pavan aur beti Ragahavi…tum donon ko ab samjhna chahiye ki duniya ke kuch ussool hain. Ladke rote nahin aur ladkiyan maar peet nahin karte…samjhe? Ab chalo Pavi…aasoon pocho. Ravi bitiya…chalo use ghar leke jaao.” (Translation -Pavan…son… Raghavi…dear girl… you need to know how the world works. Boys don’t cry while girls don’t fight. Come on now…Pavi, wipe your tears. Ravi take him home.)
Neither Pavi nor Ravi said a word while they walked back home. They were confused and shocked at what had just happened. 
She was unladylike and he was unmasculine. Their characters had so far been untouched by patriarchy. Will they change now? Will they remain friends? Who knows! 
Note: Pavi –nickname that is short for Pavan. Ravi –nickname that is short for Raghavi. Pavi is usually a nick name for a girl/woman and Ravi is usually a name/ nick name for a boy/man. 
Reading time: 3 min
A-Z Challenge 2018, Feminism

Toxic Masculinity and its impacts on men and women

April 23, 2018 by ashwini 18 Comments
Pic source: www.timeforanawakening.com

What it is not?
The term ‘Toxic masculinity’ was not coined for men-bashing. It is not an implication that masculinity is toxic in itself. Toxic masculinity is a serious issue that must be dealt with. It’s important to note that all men do not succumb to such behaviours. 
What it is?
According to Wikipedia: The concept of toxic masculinity is used in psychology and gender studies to refer to certain norms of masculine behavior in North America and Europe that are associated with harm to society and to men themselves.
Associate Professor of Psychology at University of Wisconsin-La Crosse, Dr. Ryan McKelley has his own running definition of the term that explains it well:

“attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors culturally associated with boys/men/masculinity that result in covert and overt bias/prejudice/subjugation/oppression/victimization of self and/or others. This includes the domination of others, misogyny and devaluation of women, homophobia, transphobia, and violence (including homicide and suicide).” 

How did it come about?
The birth of ‘toxic masculinity’ arises from gender stereotyping. The patriarchal system that created rigid definitions of femininity also did so for masculinity. Every time a parent (both men and women are guilty of propagating gender norms) tells a young boy to ‘be a man’ or ‘man up’ or ‘don’t be a wuss’, we disturb the natural course of things. “Mard ko dard nahin hota” is not a motivation line, it is an unwavering belief. 
What are some examples of toxic masculinity?
According to McKelley, toxic masculinity appears everywhere and can be in the form of common slurs, modern music, at school and outside of school, etc. Such behaviours could be displayed by men consciously or in a sub-conscious manner. 
Groups of men engaging in sexual jokes, eve-teasing, trash talk and even gang-rapes are manifestations of this issue. 
Popular culture that glorifies the hero bashing up 20 men fearlessly single-handedly makes the matter worse. 
What are some of the stereotype myths propagated as truths owing to toxic masculinity?

Source: Feminism in India & Image Credit: The Mighty Pucks
Patriarchy has laid some very unrealistic parameters of manhood for all men to follow that have a negative impact on men and women:


Why do men find it difficult to accept their or their friend’s behavior is toxic?
Imagine having been told all your life to do something and how you’re expected to do it and you get used to it and comfortable. If some things irk you or make you wonder, you put it aside and move on. Old wisdom is the best wisdom. So you don’t question and move on. You don’t check whether the old beliefs hold water in the new context.  A lot of men who say maybe don’t like drinking or aren’t naturally aggressive, find it difficult to confirm to the rigid ideas but relent nevertheless to the peer pressure. When someone then tells you, the way you have been having all this while is not correct, you get confused and angry even.
How does it harm men?
The constant need to match a benchmark is not easy. Not only do unrealistic expectations of ‘machoism’ cause harm to men’s psychology but it also has physical implications. These include high risk of STD’s, cardiovascular health and even suicides. Even though 1 in 59 men are raped, they feel ashamed to talk about it. Since they are always seen as the initiators of sex, if he complains of sexual assault, it is likely that he is asked why he did not enjoy it! 
Propagating ‘heteronormativity’ (the belief that people fall into distinct and complementary genders (male and female) with natural roles in life. It assumes that heterosexuality is the only sexual orientation or the only norm, and that sexual and marital relations are most (or only) fitting between people of opposite sex.), causes hatred and intolerance against the LGBTQ+ community. 
How is it linked to Misogyny?
Misogyny is the dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women. Toxic masculinity if unchecked leads to misogyny. The years of being told that men are superior to women, leads them to feel powerful. Attempts made by women to break this hierarchy is usually met with aggression and translates to sexual contempt. This leads to issues of sexual assaults, rapes and sexual trafficking. 
Why is it important to discuss it from the perspective of Feminism?
Patriarchy has led to toxic masculinity which in turn has led to subjugation of women. Unless you go back to the root cause of the problem, changes cannot be made. 
Since Feminism speaks of equal rights and opportunities to all, we need men to have the right to be themselves as well. The pressures of societal conditioning have a negative impact on them as well. 
How do we tackle the issue of ‘toxic masculinity’ as a society?
By restoring the balance. Neither men nor women should have unrealistic expectations placed on them. Both men and women need to help one another in our journeys together. No more saying ‘boys don’t cry’. Support is the key. The terms ‘femininity’ and ‘masculinity’ must arrive at a normal definition and not extreme ones. That’s when real change will take place. 
I will leave your with this very touching first person narrative of Jordan Stephens, a writer/performer best known as one half of British duo Rizzle Kicks. He says he had abused his power in the past but now wishes to lead a more positive life. Here is an extract from the article:

As far as I can see, this toxic notion of masculinity is being championed by men who are so terrified of confronting any trauma experienced as children that they choose to project that torture on to the lives of others rather than themselves.

What’s even more upsetting is that often when men allow themselves to feel this pain, it’s so new to them that they kill themselves. We live in a society where men feel safer killing themselves than acknowledging pain. Accepting the patriarchy from a place of false benefit will prevent you from ever truly loving yourself or understanding others. It’s OK to feel sad. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to have loved your mum and dad growing up. It’s OK to have missed them or wanted more affection. It’s OK to take a moment when you’re reminded of these truths. When you allow your brain to access these emotions, it knows exactly what to do. So nurture yourself. Talk honestly to the people around you, and welcome the notion of understanding them more than you have ever done before.

Reading time: 5 min

About me

image Dreamer. Untamed Spirit. Freelance Writer & Blogger.

I try and keep my writing as honest as possible and write from the perspective of a 'Happy Feminist'. If you like reading heart-felt long posts on contemporary and relatable topics, you have reached the right place!

I also enjoy interviewing interesting personalities. If you are an author, a blogger, an entrepreneur, a sportsperson, or someone who believes your lifestory must be told, I am all ears! I would love to share it with the world. :)

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