They were poles apart. Pavi was very shy and the teacher’s pet. Ravi was naughty and a troublemaker. Pavi was plump and had a cute dimple. Ravi’s hair was always messed up and would usually go home with at least one bruise on some part of the body. Both were 8 years old, lived in the same society and went to the same class in the same school. 

But Ravi & Pavi were never apart. Nobody understood their friendship but they understood each other very well. They loved playing in the park together. While Pavi painted, Ravi would play video games. When Ravi burped, Pavi applauded. When Ravi’s Sixer would break a window, Pavi would  be made to flash those sweet dimples and apologize on Ravi’s behalf. Pavi was sensitive and would often cry. Ravi would know when to be supportive and when to give space. 

All would have gone perfectly fine if one day the boys from the neighbourhood building had not come strolling into the park the best friends played in. 

As usual Ravi was being mischievous. Pavi had a bar of chocolate that Ravi snatched and ran away with. Pavi knew that Ravi was too fast and gave up the race. Upset and hungry, Pavi began to cry. 

The gang of boys who had been silent bystanders until now…started laughing. Pointing at Pavi, the tallest of them all and the apparent leader of the group remarked loudly, “Look at that cute little girl crying for a chocolate! Fatty’s hungry? Awww! Come I’ll teach you how to run and get it!” Pavi immediately stopped crying. Ravi stormed up to them and demanded, ‘Who are you and where are you from? And why are you insulting my friend?!’ The leader took a few steps ahead and looked amusingly at Ravi’s angry face. Turning to his friends, he says, “Hey look at this! Baby girl has a baby bodyguard!” Ravi could bear the insolence no longer and kicked the older boy on the shin. He was caught by surprise and would have struck Ravi if they hadn’t heard the whistle of the park watchman and seen him coming running in their direction. “Ayyy…chalo niklo yahaan se! Gunde kahin ke! Bachon pe haath uthaega??! Bhago…” (Translation- You scoundrels…get away from here! Don’t you dare raise your hands on the kids! Run away…) Scared of the burly watchman, the boy and his gang disappeared quickly. 

The term ‘Toxic masculinity’ was not coined for men-bashing. It is not an implication that masculinity is toxic in itself. Toxic masculinity is a serious issue that must be dealt with. It’s important to note that all men do not succumb to such behaviours. 

According to Wikipedia: The concept of toxic masculinity is used in psychology and gender studies to refer to certain norms of masculine behavior in North America and Europe that are associated with harm to society and to men themselves.

Associate Professor of Psychology at University of Wisconsin-La Crosse, Dr. Ryan McKelley has his own running definition of the term that explains it well:

The birth of ‘toxic masculinity’ arises from gender stereotyping. The patriarchal system that created rigid definitions of femininity also did so for masculinity. Every time a parent (both men and women are guilty of propagating gender norms) tells a young boy to ‘be a man’ or ‘man up’ or ‘don’t be a wuss’, we disturb the natural course of things. “Mard ko dard nahin hota” is not a motivation line, it is an unwavering belief. 

According to McKelley, toxic masculinity appears everywhere and can be in the form of common slurs, modern music, at school and outside of school, etc. Such behaviours could be displayed by men consciously or in a sub-conscious manner. 

Groups of men engaging in sexual jokes, eve-teasing, trash talk and even gang-rapes are manifestations of this issue. 

Popular culture that glorifies the hero bashing up 20 men fearlessly single-handedly makes the matter worse. 

As far as I can see, this toxic notion of masculinity is being championed by men who are so terrified of confronting any trauma experienced as children that they choose to project that torture on to the lives of others rather than themselves.

What’s even more upsetting is that often when men allow themselves to feel this pain, it’s so new to them that they kill themselves. We live in a society where men feel safer killing themselves than acknowledging pain. Accepting the patriarchy from a place of false benefit will prevent you from ever truly loving yourself or understanding others. It’s OK to feel sad. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to have loved your mum and dad growing up. It’s OK to have missed them or wanted more affection. It’s OK to take a moment when you’re reminded of these truths. When you allow your brain to access these emotions, it knows exactly what to do. So nurture yourself. Talk honestly to the people around you, and welcome the notion of understanding them more than you have ever done before.