Through this post I would like to answer the important question: Is Feminism killing Femininity?

Feminism believes in Equality. It anti-injustice. 

Feminism questions gender norms. It condemns patriarchy and empowers women. 

Feminism does not propagate supremacy of women. Neither is it anti-men. Nor is it against our culture. 

Now let us see why some people think that this egalitarian principle is considered anti-feminine and whether this assumption holds any water. Here are some Myths about Feminism:

Here is the first paragraph from Wikipedia on Femininity

Femininity (also called girlishness, womanliness or womanhood) is a set of attributes, behaviours, and roles generally associated with girls and women. Femininity is partially socially constructed, being made up of both socially-defined and biologically-created factors. This makes it distinct from the definition of the biological female sex, as both males and females can exhibit feminine traits.

It sure seems so that Wikipedia supports Feminism. Because of this line – ‘This makes it distinct from the definition of the biological female sex, as both males and females can exhibit feminine traits.’

From the above line, it can be deduced that femininity is not restricted to just the female gender! Even males can be feminine. And if you are a Feminist, you will not think less of a man who is effeminate. I loved this answer from Manu Kanchan on Quora about how Feminism expands the idea of womanhood.

Now femininity is also socially constructed. So it could change from time to time. It doesn’t have to be a rigid definition. 

The #LikeAGirl campaign threw light on the fact that sexism sets in from a very young age. It asked the important question why “run like a girl” could not mean “win the race”.

By the above logic, why does femininity have to mean “delicate” or “submissive”?

Feminism doesn’t lay down rules and regulations on how people need to look or behave. As long as they are aware of their rights, 

Traditionally women had to look a particular way (read: long hair, clear skin, pink cheeks, petite figure) to be considered feminine and hence attractive. But why does a world filled with millions of women, need to fit one mould? And why should they give in to someone else’s definition? Why can’t a strong or independent woman still be attractive to men? A secure and evolved man will be attracted to the qualities that make a woman stand out rather than those that make her fit in.

Femininity has traditionally been associated with stereotypical roles based on stereotypical behaviours. Based on the notion that women are more kind and caring, they have been expected to play roles of caregivers: homemakers, doctors, teachers etc. Feminism questions these norms. It encourages women to pursue a profession most suited to their individual strengths. Division of labour in earlier times was based on strength. Today when jobs are all about mental abilities and aptitude, the traditional roles don’t make sense. But it does not make it against our culture or tradition. 

Some people argue that Feminism is unromantic. I would vehemently disagree. It is the Feminist that wears its rose-tinted glasses and imagines a world where a woman is truly at the centre of her own world. She doesn’t need permission from anyone to pursue her dreams. She doesn’t have to wait for her Prince Charming; she could pursue him. He doesn’t have to be the only one lighting the scented candles, she could surprise him as well. 

Now, I have to admit that women have in the past, tried to look like a man by wearing trousers to work so that they would fit in. Today more and more women dress whichever way the wish. But when Feminism preaches equality, it does not mean men and women have to look alike. According to Feminism, anyone who has the capabilities to get to the corner office, he/she must sit in it. It should not matter what they look like or wear. 

From the above I guess it is clear that – 

How many times have you heard this phrase – ‘Jaane do’? Translated as ‘Let it go’, it is uttered by many of us who hate confrontations. 

• ‘The teacher was unfair to me.’ 

         -‘Jaane do. Study harder next time.’

I have always been someone who did her own thing. And I never cared for what is supposed to be done. That’s pretty much the point of feminism – women should be able to lead their lives the way they want to and not be judged for it.

So if I lead a life that’s already fine, why do I advocate Feminism?

Because what I see and hear and read, makes me cringe. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am sensitive. My sensitivity makes me want to right every wrong that happens to me and around the world. It makes me want fairness everywhere and all the time. I support LGBTQ rights. I don’t believe in the caste system. I don’t judge a person for their beliefs and customs until they try and push it down other people’s throats.

Since I am a Feminist, my world will only make sense when everyone in it is a Feminist. Because that’s when we will treat everyone as equal.

If you think that I am wearing rose-tinted glasses…you are either a Tired Feminist or a Sexist. I truly believe that people either believe in equality or they don’t. Those who do and have given up because they don’t see things changing are the one’s I call Tired Feminists. As an Incorrigible Feminist, I hope to motivate the Tired Feminist. But pushing my beliefs on a Sexist is against my belief. It’s only when we have more conversations will things change for the better.

Here is an example of me raising my voice and how it resulted into an important conversation:

I recently viewed a video online on the Film Companion YouTube Channel where Anupama Chopra interviewed newbies Ishaan Khattar and Malavika Mohanan as a part of their promotions for the Majid Majidi movie – Beyond the clouds.

Now I felt that there was gender inequality at play when I viewed the video. So what did I do? I wrote a comment making a suggestion for a small step towards Gender Equality. You can view the video and read the comment here. I have also attached a screenshot of the comments I received. I was very polite. But I received comment after comment as to how impractical my request was. Then a male feminist (Nilanjan Dey) entered the conversation and wrote a rather large comment agreeing with me. Suddenly the tone of the conversation changed. As I write this, people are still replying to my comment.

I have learnt 2 important things from this experience of mine:

1) We need to have more of these conversations on public platforms.

2) Sexist men will prefer to have the feminism conversation with a male feminist. 

As a Feminist, I take a stand against what I see as injustice. Just as I have had my own journey that has led me to here, a sexist has his/ her own journey. (Yes, women can also be sexists.) Have you ever said ‘Be a man!’ or ‘Career girls don’t make good wives?’ Then you are a sexist. Read here to know some more sexist things we say all the time.

The path to gender equality is a long one and we have to reach the goal together. Women can’t reach the destination by themselves. In a world where men and women have to live together, the only way out is through compassion and conversation. 

To all those who have been told that ‘There is a reason why things are the way they are and don’t question it’, I have a request. I came across a short web-series of 4 episodes of around 15 minutes each – ‘Man’s world’ that could change your mind. Here is the link to the first episode. It would be great if you invested around one hour to view the videos. If you still think like the protagonist ‘Pavan’ in the beginning of Episode 1 (i.e. that women are privileged, they crib too much and that marital rape is ok) let’s discuss. In case you agree with what ‘Kiran’ says at the end of the 4th Episode, then you are a #FeministHero and I definitely want to interact with you.

I agree with Kiran. I believe that it isn’t a Man Vs. Women War. It isn’t about rules. It’s about ‘Give Respect and Get Respect’. It is about ‘Live and Let live’. I believe that things will only improve when men and women talk more and understand each other’s perspectives. Hopefully we see each other’s point of view and take a step closer to gender equality.

My husband supports me in every decision I take. Because he likes seeing me happy. And I am happy when I talk about my idealistic philosophies. So…he listens to me when I speak to him about Feminism. But there is a rule… only 1 conversation per day on Feminism. He says it becomes too “heavy” beyond that. I abide by that rule. Because it’s important that we talk. He also calls my bluff when I ask him to do something that I very well can do for myself. And points out when my ranting requires some toning down. 

I am an Incorrigible Feminist. I will speak my mind. But I will also listen to you. I will do my bit to make a small change in the world. Will you?

In the fantasy series of Harry Potter, Lord Voldemort was the main antagonist who chose evil means to become the supreme ruler. The Dark Lord’s terror was so widespread that people were too scared to take his name.

Harvey Weinstein was the Dark Lord of Hollywood. His power and influence trumped that of many A-list actresses. There were hushed whispers of ‘You-Know-Who’ all along in Hollywood but fearing the worst, they all protected ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’.  

Now young Harry Potter bravely took Voldemort’s name because Dumbledore had wisely advised him, “Call him Voldemort, Harry…Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.”  

Following the Harvey Weinstein scandal, Actress Alyssa Milano wrote a call-out on Twitter asking followers to share their stories of sexual harassment and assault using the phrase “Me too.” But she was not the who created the campaign. The campaign was started 10 years ago by a Black woman! Tarana Burke is the original creator of the #MeToo campaign. It was to be a catchphrase of solidarity.

In an earlier blog post, I wrote about how in a video. female comedian, Aditi Mittal spoke of a horrible incident of sexism at a discussion with fellow comedians Daniel Fernandes and Karunesh. She however refrained from taking his name. Karunesh did. Other men showed their support by posting positive comments to the video. 

Ever felt low and less confident after meeting someone?

Ever felt worried that you are losing your memory and your sanity because someone you trust keeps telling you that you are?

Ever been told…

‘Calm down! You have gone totally mad! Give your imagination some rest woman!’

Or ‘Hey, come on! Don’t be so sensitive! Stop all this crazy talk! You know I care for you so much.’

Ever received a backhanded compliment? ‘You don’t look like a Malayalee at all!’

Ever received a compliment followed by a critique? ‘That dress is amazing but you should lose a little more weight to look amazing in it.’

Were you ever compared to someone you didn’t know? ‘You remind me so much of my best friend’s girl-friend!’ Did it make you want to do everything you could to become better than this person you have never met?

I didn’t know what gaslighting or negging was until recently. But when I did, I realized that owing to my own naivety I’ve been a victim of these extremely dangerous forms of emotional abuse many times over.

Physical abuse is abhorrent. However, because of it’s nature, the society to a great extent looks down upon it. The victims do find support. However,  because the scars of emotional/ psychological abuse are invisible to most, it is way more difficult to get support and heal from it.

‘Gaslighting’ means to ‘manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own memory, perceptions and sanity.’

The term ‘gaslighting’ owes its origin to a 1938 play ‘Gas Light’. The play was adapted into an American movie of the same name in 1944 where the lady who was gaslit was played by the popular yesteryear female actor – Ingrid Bergman. The central narrative focussed on a couple and showed how the husband successfully manipulated his wife by convincing her into thinking that she was slowly becoming insane through a series of seemingly unexplained incidents which were deliberately planned. It began with him dimming the ‘gaslights’ (a type of lamp in which an incandescent mantle is heated by a jet of burning gas) in the house while searching for some jewels.  When the wife noticed it and brought it up, he called it a figment of her imagination. He also isolated his wife from friends and family and convinced her that she is a kleptomaniac. Psychology authors began using of the title of the movie as a verb colloquially.  But it wasn’t until mid- 2010’s that the term Gaslighting began being used to mean ‘the subjective experience of having reality repeatedly questioned by another.’

Those who resort to gaslighting will first charm you and win your trust. All is well till the time the target falls in line with the gaslighter’s wishes. Then when they are caught lying or the target doubts his/ her intentions, they resort to gaslighting.

Here begins the journey of breaking your confidence by discrediting your memories and feelings. And when you bring it up, they will make you seem silly and immature for doing so. They will dismiss you as well as the situation and convince you to nip it in the bud. In case you persist, they will either change the topic or pretend to have been hurt by your actions making themselves appear as the victim. Now the latter is a very cunning move…because you will end up feeling miserable and will apologize for the wrong being done to you. They will never apologize to you. This is a big tell-tale sign.

Gaslighters are usually very intelligent people and craft their arguments very well. They have a strong need to be right always and hence you will feel never win arguments with them. They will alternate between being nice and mean. All this is a part of their agenda and it will upset you, confuse you and make you feel less confident.

Read more about the tactics of gaslighting in this book. Here is another great article on gaslighting.

According to Urban Dictionary this flirting technique is defined as “low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.” As unbelievable as it may sound, the men who resort to negging wish to make the woman fall for him! Of course he is so insecure that he feels he has a chance only if she is made to feel less confident. One needs to be confident and secure about oneself to realize that a politely worded insult is an insult at the end of the day. Do go through these negging scenarios to protect yourself.

• To undermine your confidence

• To make you always feel confused, frustrated and overwhelmed

• To brainwash you so that you forget your true identity

• To make you vulnerable and ultimately accepting of the manipulator’s wishes

It is important to not let someone else control your emotions and ultimately your actions. A victim of emotional abuse often goes through different stages in the relationship: disbelief, aggression and finally depression. Feeling under-confident and confused all the time can make you feel that you are mentally unstable. It could happen that the victim turns to the manipulator himself for help and this leads to a very vicious circle.

Manipulators usually reach out to targets that come across as under-confident.  Those who tend to self-doubt easily – again owing to the years of conditioning and the pressure of being considered perfect, become easy targets for these manipulators. They also usually give the benefit of doubt to the manipulators, elongating the period of manipulation. They also tend to target introverts who usually don’t have many friends or a great support system. This makes you defenseless and they know it!

But even confident assertive people need to keep their defenses up. The manipulators will appeal to your kindness, compassion and empathy. They may come across as vulnerable initially just to win you over and then proceed to play with your head.

Narcissists i.e. those who buried their true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self usually end up manipulating others. Narcissists are unable to regulate his/ her self-esteem and are unable to make deep and intimate lasting ties with another human being.  According to Dr. Ramani, psychologist of repute and an expert on narcissim (also a narcissistic abuse survivor herself), there are four pillars to narcissism:

1. Display of lack of empathy
2. Grandiosity or a sense of superiority and the need to be imposing
3. A chronic sense of entitlement and self-importance
4. A chronic need for admiration as well as validation from other people.

a) They are charmers.

b) They love bragging and often lie.

c) They will never admit to their faults and get angry when someone points them out.

d) They love doing things that are not considered ‘normal’ .

e) They get a huge high from being in control. 

Narcissists are so insecure that emotionally abusing others is what gives them a sense of superiority.

Don’t think that you need to step away only when physical abuse is involved. Emotional abuse can also have damaging repercussions. No matter what the situation, trust your instinct. If you don’t feel good – it’s time to back off.

Also, there appears to be no positive outcome from confronting your abuser and telling him you know he emotionally abused you. He may get angry or try and charm you in order to continue his tactics.

This is especially important since manipulators will try to keep you away from your support system.

Talking to a professional will help you to sort your insecurities and build your confidence.

1) Those who truly love you will NEVER humiliate you or make you feel horrible about yourself. Sure people make mistakes. But if you realize that someone refuses to ever apologise for having hurt your feelings, please have the courage to end the septic relationship.

2) Never let the confidence in yourself waver because of what someone says. Always give yourself time to assess things objectively. But don’t ever second-guess yourself. Learn to become assertive. You are unique. Don’t try to change for anyone.

3) Never let anyone tell you how to feel or what to feel. If you are ‘too sensitive’ it is ok…embrace it. Spend time with yourself to find out more about yourself and figure out what works and doesn’t work for you.

People resort to manipulation every day- with their partners, at work or with friends. It could be serious or unfortunately even flippant. In rare cases, the manipulators are not exactly aware of what they are doing.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing any of the above forms of manipulation, please please reach out for help. I really wish I knew what gaslighting was much earlier in my life so that I could protect myself. But knowing how I can and have been manipulated, I feel empowered. I know I can prevent it from happening in the future. And I want all my fellow readers to also protect themselves.

Please do share this post with your loved ones. You could also read up more on the subject through books or via several online resources and speak about emotional abuse to your teenage children.