It was a bright warm day on the beach. The waves were gentle. There was hardly any breeze. As the waves receded, they left behind a bottle covered with seaweed all over. Jamie rushed over. The six-year-old was so excited to visit the beach. He vaguely remembered the last Sunday beach trip. It had been too long ago.

He dropped the sea-shells he had been laboriously collecting the last half an hour and bent down to pick up his newest treasure. He stopped when he heard his father shout ‘Jamie, wait!’ He looked up to see his father come running towards him with his hand raised and palm facing him. He hung his head in resignation! He couldn’t wait to become a grown-up! They had all the power! He was sure his father would lay hands on the bottle first under the pretext of checking it for safety. He will have to change this story when he relayed his adventure to his friends. He only wished his father would not rub the bottle. Everyone knew that Genies granted wishes to the person who freed them by rubbing against the bottle they live in. Oh, how Jamie would love a good Genie!

Peter walked up and slowly picked up the bottle. He carefully removed the seaweed from the bottle. As he noticed the shape and colour, he couldn’t help but wonder…

Could it be?

No…

It wasn’t possible.

Well she was the much younger wife of the famous Greek Philosopher Socrates. And what did Socrates think about his wife Xanthippe? He said that he tolerated his first wife Xanthippe, because she bore him sons, in the same way one tolerated the noise of geese because they produce eggs and chicks. Basically, this analogy perpetuated the claim that a woman’s sole role was reproduction.

 

An incident involving the two went ‘viral’ (well we still know of it 2500 years later don’t we?) was how Xanthippe poured the contents of a bedpan on to the philosopher’s head after an argument. And that’s how the term “Xanthippe” has now come to mean any nagging scolding person, especially a shrewish wife. I think Xanthippe was one of the first Feminists and given how her name has such a negative connotation today, Socrates could may well have called her a Feminazi!

And nothing has changed really. Even today almost all of Feminism is being reduced to ‘angry frustrated women asking for rights’ or Feminazi’s! And this post is about deciphering why Feminism got such a bad name?

Before that…at the cost of repetition (sorry my regular empathetic readers – you can skip this part), Feminism speaks of equal rights and opportunities for all genders. And the definition of a Feminist that most resonated with me was the one that Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, a Feminist from Lagos, Nigeria gave in her very well-articulated TEDx talk, ‘Why we should all be Feminists’ – ‘A feminist is a man or a woman, who says -Yes, there is a problem with gender as it is today and we must fix it. We must do better.’ 

The above question has plagued me. I believe that everyone should support the idea of Feminism – men as well as women. Feminism talks of equal rights and opportunities for all genders. And equality as an ideal should make sense to everyone. Of course there is resistance from those who believe that there is a reason why there is a hierarchy in place. Now I get why most men would think this. Owing to years of conditioning, they have got used to it. But what I don’t understand is why women would oppose Feminism!? And I wish this was fiction…something sexists had created. But when I looked back at my life, I realized that a lot of my notions of patriarchy came from women around me.

Patriarchy as a system relegates women as the secondary sex. It is an age old concept. Philosophers such as Aristotle and Plato are considered to have influenced the idea that women must be ruled by men because they were not true rational beings and the only way to perfect themselves [be truly human], was for them to die and return to earth as men [Kasubhai; 1996:37, 47]. If this concept had to become universal and spread across the world since the last 2500 years, then it could not have been possible without women aligning to the concept. I am sure women protested at the beginning but these ‘Tired Feminists’ as I call them, gave up the fight…perhaps too easily and too soon. And that is what we should assess so that the next 2500 years are drastically different.

She looked in the mirror

And searched for signs of beauty

So futile, she reminded herself

When her strength was her vanity

The attack had melted the veneer

But her face was not her only identity

Her spirit was recovering

She refused to live like a faceless entity

The world had turned its back

Judging her for the blisters of vengeance

But she had done no wrong

Then why was she begging for acceptance?

Her damaged eyesight didn’t impair her vision

Her crinkled body was now thick-skinned

Her scarred lips didn’t quiver anymore

Her shriveled ears tuned out the din

She will put on her game face

And contour a winsome future

She will pursue justice

For she was not a Victim but a Victor.

We feel bad. We shake our head. Yet another rape. Another gangrape. ‘Kya hoga is country ka?’ And we go back to sipping our tea. Little do we know that we are adding fuel to the fire. Yes, my friends, we are propagating the rape culture.

The title image indicates just what Rape Culture is about. If Rape Culture dismisses rape…it dismisses itself as well!

This mentality is deep-rooted and is the reason why we have been hearing of so many rape cases in the news of late. Rape culture does not imply promoting rape. It’s an undercurrent in our cultural practices that makes excuses for sexual violence.

Here is a video that speaks of the Rape Culture prevalent in Haryana. (I have mentioned this in a previous post but would like to highlight it here.)

“Once a girl turns 14 or 15, you can’t call it rape after that. There is always consent.”
– An elderly man in Mankawas village, Charkhi Dadri district 

“The girl has to have done something wrong, that’s why she’s been raped.”
– A Class 8 boy from Bhiwani 

Rape culture is not just prevalent in Haryana. It is everywhere. Women have historically been considered second-class citizens who were not thought to deserve the same rights as their male counterparts. Our patriarchal system is the reason why we think and behave this way. 

In a fellow blogger, Kanika’s blog post I read that it was believed that a female orgasm is essential for conception. So if an alleged rape results in a pregnancy, then it can’t be a rape at all, because the woman experienced pleasure! The truth is that an orgasm is involuntary and can occur during rape. This does not take away from the heinousness of the crime. 

And rape culture is the sad reality that in 127 countries rape within marriage is still not considered a crime, including in India!

The system of rape culture affects men too

“Toxic masculinity”. is a gender stereotype burdening the men in society, depicting them as sexually driven, violent beings. This is the reason why men do not complain when they are raped. They are ashamed of the trauma. 

A Khap Panchyat member Sube Singh had given a bizzare ‘solution’ to the ‘rapes’ and suggested that the marriageable age for girls should be reduced to 16 years. He later blamed movies and television for rapes. 

A friend asked me if rapes will stop if we legalize prostitution. Or if it will stop if we fast track cases for speedy justice. Sure these measures will help. We must do everything we can to ensure that lesser women feel unsafe. We need legal reforms, policy reforms. more structures in place that allow women to feel safe enough to raise their voice against assaults. Marital Rape must be made a criminal offense in India. 

As a society, we cannot turn our heads against what is happening around us. We must raise our voices. We must encourage women to name and shame their abusers. We must not let our fandom or our ostrich mentality get in the way of justice. 

We need to support and be part of as many organizations as we can to change the mentality that rape = sex and rape cannot occur without consent. Rape is not sex and whenever force is used for sex without the other’s consent, it is rape. 

Going back to the definition of rape: “the violation of another person’s autonomy, the use of another person’s body against their wishes.” That means the rapist is always at fault, not the victim. 

4) We should not think that marrying the rapist solves the problem 

Again, please look at the definition. The crime of being forced to do something against their will can’t suddenly stop being a crime because of marriage. 

Yesterday, Ali Zafar, the Pakistani singer was accused of sexual harassment by another singer. The news broke out in the morning. During the day, as usual there were a bunch of celebrities who came out saying they didn’t know the facts of the case, but Ali could not have done it. Of, course a lot of fans showed their support. Really? Fandom before empathy? And towards the end of the day, we had more women come forward with allegations. Why do people judge the victim or doubt her instead of giving her the benefit of doubt?! Is it because most men find it easy to be in the shoes of the man and not the woman? 

6) We should not support Rape Jokes 

This angers me more than anything. How can anything about rape by funny? Why do we dismiss it? It is imperative that we do not create, share, like or encourage any jokes that objectify women. It’s not that women can’t handle jokes. But rape jokes are a no-no. 

We all know how anyone with a conscience feels when we see such stories. These get made because we watch them. And because they get made, we watch them. Why does a smoking scene require a disclaimer and an item number doesn’t!? Maybe because in some movies… the whole time the movie is played we’ll need the disclaimer: ‘Objectifying women is wrong’ !! It’s a vicious cycle. Let’s put an end to this. 

Women and men don’t “have” to do anything or be anyone. This is the root of the problem. Men don’t need to be “macho” or “powerful” and women don’t need to be “submissive”. 

We need children to be taught how to behave with women and with other boys when they speak about women. We must teach them the importance of consent. That’s how we ensure a better future. 

We must not allow people in power do any or all of the above. We must hold our politicians accountable for the safety of our women.

What are your thoughts on the rape culture and on the recent situation in our country? Do share your views.