#abuse – Ashwini's Perceptions

A-Z of Feminism (Blogging Challenge 2018 #Blogchatter), Featured, Feminism

Rape Culture Is Real

April 20, 2018 by ashwini 20 Comments

We feel bad. We shake our head. Yet another rape. Another gangrape. ‘Kya hoga is country ka?’ And we go back to sipping our tea. Little do we know that we are adding fuel to the fire. Yes, my friends, we are propagating the rape culture.

The title image indicates just what Rape Culture is about. If Rape Culture dismisses rape…it dismisses itself as well!

Rape is “the violation of another person’s autonomy, the use of another person’s body against their wishes.”

Rape culture is…

Source:The Quint

This mentality is deep-rooted and is the reason why we have been hearing of so many rape cases in the news of late. Rape culture does not imply promoting rape. It’s an undercurrent in our cultural practices that makes excuses for sexual violence.

Here is a video that speaks of the Rape Culture prevalent in Haryana. (I have mentioned this in a previous post but would like to highlight it here.)

Here are some excerpts from the video that will make you seethe in anger:

‘Rape is Consensual’

“Once a girl turns 14 or 15, you can’t call it rape after that. There is always consent.”
– An elderly man in Mankawas village, Charkhi Dadri district

“Blame the victim”

“The girl has to have done something wrong, that’s why she’s been raped.”
– A Class 8 boy from Bhiwani

“Both the boy and the girl have done something wrong. Then why is it that only the boy is held responsible? The girl gets to stay at home, the boy is sent to jail. What sort of a law is this?”
– Mother of a rape accused in the Charkhi Dadri district

This is our world. And let me tell you…it was always this way.

Rape culture is not just prevalent in Haryana. It is everywhere. Women have historically been considered second-class citizens who were not thought to deserve the same rights as their male counterparts. Our patriarchal system is the reason why we think and behave this way.

In a fellow blogger, Kanika’s blog post I read that it was believed that a female orgasm is essential for conception. So if an alleged rape results in a pregnancy, then it can’t be a rape at all, because the woman experienced pleasure! The truth is that an orgasm is involuntary and can occur during rape. This does not take away from the heinousness of the crime.

And rape culture is the sad reality that in 127 countries rape within marriage is still not considered a crime, including in India!

The system of rape culture affects men too

“Toxic masculinity”. is a gender stereotype burdening the men in society, depicting them as sexually driven, violent beings. This is the reason why men do not complain when they are raped. They are ashamed of the trauma.

Want to hear how the issues of rapes can be solved?

A Khap Panchyat member Sube Singh had given a bizzare ‘solution’ to the ‘rapes’ and suggested that the marriageable age for girls should be reduced to 16 years. He later blamed movies and television for rapes.

A friend asked me if rapes will stop if we legalize prostitution. Or if it will stop if we fast track cases for speedy justice. Sure these measures will help. We must do everything we can to ensure that lesser women feel unsafe. We need legal reforms, policy reforms. more structures in place that allow women to feel safe enough to raise their voice against assaults. Marital Rape must be made a criminal offense in India.

But its more important that we change our behaviours and mental attitudes to prevent rapes

1) We should not just say ‘Aur ek rape ho gaya’ and move on with our lives

As a society, we cannot turn our heads against what is happening around us. We must raise our voices. We must encourage women to name and shame their abusers. We must not let our fandom or our ostrich mentality get in the way of justice.

2) We should not declare that rape is consensual

We need to support and be part of as many organizations as we can to change the mentality that rape = sex and rape cannot occur without consent. Rape is not sex and whenever force is used for sex without the other’s consent, it is rape.

3) We should not declare that the victim is at fault

Going back to the definition of rape: “the violation of another person’s autonomy, the use of another person’s body against their wishes.” That means the rapist is always at fault, not the victim.

4) We should not think that marrying the rapist solves the problem

Again, please look at the definition. The crime of being forced to do something against their will can’t suddenly stop being a crime because of marriage.

5) We should not doubt the Victim

Yesterday, Ali Zafar, the Pakistani singer was accused of sexual harassment by another singer. The news broke out in the morning. During the day, as usual there were a bunch of celebrities who came out saying they didn’t know the facts of the case, but Ali could not have done it. Of, course a lot of fans showed their support. Really? Fandom before empathy? And towards the end of the day, we had more women come forward with allegations. Why do people judge the victim or doubt her instead of giving her the benefit of doubt?! Is it because most men find it easy to be in the shoes of the man and not the woman?

6) We should not support Rape Jokes

This angers me more than anything. How can anything about rape by funny? Why do we dismiss it? It is imperative that we do not create, share, like or encourage any jokes that objectify women. It’s not that women can’t handle jokes. But rape jokes are a no-no.

7) We should boycott our misogynist pop culture

We all know how anyone with a conscience feels when we see such stories. These get made because we watch them. And because they get made, we watch them. Why does a smoking scene require a disclaimer and an item number doesn’t!? Maybe because in some movies… the whole time the movie is played we’ll need the disclaimer: ‘Objectifying women is wrong’ !! It’s a vicious cycle. Let’s put an end to this.

8) We should not indulge in Gender stereotyping

Women and men don’t “have” to do anything or be anyone. This is the root of the problem. Men don’t need to be “macho” or “powerful” and women don’t need to be “submissive”.

9) We should teach our children well

We need children to be taught how to behave with women and with other boys when they speak about women. We must teach them the importance of consent. That’s how we ensure a better future.

10) We should not allow our politicians to get away from discharging their responsibilities

We must not allow people in power do any or all of the above. We must hold our politicians accountable for the safety of our women.

What are your thoughts on the rape culture and on the recent situation in our country? Do share your views.

Reading time: 6 min

A-Z of Feminism (Blogging Challenge 2018 #Blogchatter), Feminism

The Woman Who Cried Marital Abuse

April 13, 2018 by ashwini 10 Comments

‘She is a woman with loose morals. She tortured me. She has no respect for me.’ If you hear a man say these words how would you react?

Now what if I just change the perspective –

‘He is a big flirt. He tortured me. He hasn’t treated me like a wife.‘

Has your reaction changed?

These were the words that Hasin Jahan, wife of Indian cricket speedster Mohammed Shami uttered. And the world has declared her a liar. At least in the Aesop’s Fable ‘The boy who cried wolf’, the shepherd boy is given 3-4 chances before he is considered a liar.

Why is a woman who claims of having faced marital abuse labelled a liar right at the outset?

Nobody knew who Hasin Jahan was until she came forth regarding a domestic violence and adultery against Shami. (Read about the case details here.) On the other hand, her husband is an Indian cricketer and hence a celebrity of sorts. So there could be only one motive she could have had: to get publicity.

Celebrity men can do no wrong

And if we consider the reverse – does Shami just by virtue of his celebrity status be automatically absolved of any wrongdoing? Sure it requires great caliber and discipline to make it to the Indian Cricket Team. But how does that automatically mean that he is not flawed as a human? What has he done to deserve our undying loyalty? Why do we declare him innocent before the courts have?

We have seen in the past how our love for Hindi Film stars has coloured our opinions of them so much that we have forgiven them for the possession of drugs, physical abuse, murder…so on and so forth. In a recent case in the south, Malayalam actor Dileep was booked for the crime of masterminding the rape of a film actress, Bhavna. A lot of his influential male colleagues came in support of him initially, because you guessed it –‘We must support him during such a tough time in his life’. Not the woman who was raped…but the already powerful film star was given support. Of course, once Dileep got arrested, these influential people are nowhere to be seen.

Attacking the one who is abused rather than the one who is accused

Shami can’t be at fault, so the other side (who was quite aware of the opposition she would face and yet went public with her side of the story) must be attacked…and mind you without any proof.

1) Shami calls Hasin a liar

He makes some vague statements and shares no proof. But as you can see from above, over 20K people support and agree with Shami.

2) The general public lashed out at Hasin

On the Facebook page that Hasin posted the screenshots of Shami’s allegedly objectionable Whatsapp conversations, she faced direct outrage from people. She received a lot of comments from Indian men calling her attention-seeking or asking her to settle things with Shami. Sure, settle because marital abuse must be swept under the carpet.

3) Shami made new claims to brand Hasin as a liar

Shami sprung new claims out of the blue that he was not aware of his wife’s first marriage prior to marrying her. This obvious attempt to malign his wife’s character, was refuted by Hasin’s lawyer. He said that these facts had not been hidden.

4) BCCI took an important step but faced backlash

There was little praise and more criticism for BCCI’s decision for withholding the central contract that was to be given to Shami.

5) Support for Shami or ganging up against Hasin?

When Hasin insinuated (she never made any official statement to the effect) that Shami could be involved in match-fixing, the cricketing community stood up in favour of Shami.

Badruddin Siddiqui, Shami’s coach who claims to have last spoken to Shami during the South African tour said that Shami is shy person. Media reports quoted him saying:

“His wife’s accusation is totally false. The couple should have sorted out the matter among themselves.”

Respected cricketer and ex-India Captain, Kapil Dev went one step further calling Hasin’s allegations ‘nasty’ and ‘sickening’.

“Shami is a brilliant hardworking cricketer. I agree that his personal relationship is in trouble currently but such kind of allegations by his wife is nasty and sickening until proven.”

“I refuse to believe the allegations that have been leveled by Shami’s wife. If she knew about match-fixing then why didn’t she report about it earlier? When the relationship was fine, why was she silent then? There is an investigation team. Let them do their work. If Shami has done something like this then it is unacceptable and disgraceful,”

Notice the words used to describe Shami- ‘shy’, ‘hardworking’, ‘brilliant’.

In relation to the allegations made by Hasin Jahan, the words used are – ‘totally false’, ‘sort out the matter’, ‘personal relationship is in trouble’, ‘nasty and sickening’.

Prior to the matter being adjudicated, it is a simple matter of ‘He said, She said’. But of course, what he said is true and what she said false!

BCCI gave Shami his contract under the pretext of absolving him of match-fixing charges forgetting that the contract was withheld for an entirely different reason. Today, Shami’s life is pretty much back to normal -he’s representing the country and playing for the IPL. Does anyone care what happens to his ‘personal’ case?

Marital abuse has no place in our patriarchal world

Nobody came to support Hasin Jahan- the woman who cried marital abuse. She cried and cried. But the big bad world did not care. Because she was lying right from the beginning. Because there is no such thing as marital abuse- everyone knows a man can do whatever he wants in a marriage. A woman who complains about her husband and defames him in public is a woman of loose morals. A man’s reputation must be protected, a woman’s reputation…what is that? Her reputation is linked with her family and she has spoilt her family name. Let this be a lesson to all women. Let them think twice before complaining about their husband. They must know that they will fight a lone battle. Their cries will not be heard.

Sigh! Patriarchy, when will you learn?!

Reading time: 5 min

A-Z of Feminism (Blogging Challenge 2018 #Blogchatter), Feminism

He Who Must Not Be Named or Shamed

April 8, 2018 by ashwini 14 Comments

In the fantasy series of Harry Potter, Lord Voldemort was the main antagonist who chose evil means to become the supreme ruler. The Dark Lord’s terror was so widespread that people were too scared to take his name.

Harvey Weinstein was the Dark Lord of Hollywood. His power and influence trumped that of many A-list actresses. There were hushed whispers of ‘You-Know-Who’ all along in Hollywood but fearing the worst, they all protected ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’.

Now young Harry Potter bravely took Voldemort’s name because Dumbledore had wisely advised him, “Call him Voldemort, Harry…Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.”

Just like Harry, a few brave women decided to end Harvey Weinstein’s reign of terror. They decided enough was enough and raised their voice against the sexual harassment they were subjected to by the movie mogul.

In a span of a few months over 50 women came forward made allegations against Weinstein. And he was taken to task. His membership at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was revoked. His company TWC is facing bankruptcy and his wife left him.

Some more powerful names are facing sexual harassment allegations in Hollywood today. But did the world pay attention only because celebrities were complaining of abuse? I think so.

Was the #MeToo campaign pointless?

Following the Harvey Weinstein scandal, Actress Alyssa Milano wrote a call-out on Twitter asking followers to share their stories of sexual harassment and assault using the phrase “Me too.” But she was not the who created the campaign. The campaign was started 10 years ago by a Black woman! Tarana Burke is the original creator of the #MeToo campaign. It was to be a catchphrase of solidarity.

It took 10 years and social media for the #MeToo movement to reach the women across the world. So many women publicly claimed that they were abused. Many abused women were too scared to join it. And yet the campaign did validate the severity of the issue.

But what happened after they said #MeToo? Nothing really. For most women the campaign was a toothless revolution.

There is no robust system to name the abuser

All the sexual offenders who have threatened their victims of severe consequences in case they confess to anything, are abusing someone else today. That’s the scary truth. They are just as scared of the society’s reactions as much as they are of the abuser’s power. And where’s the support?!

Do our HR/ Sexual Harassment teams have the power to overthrow their CEO for Sexual Harassment? Unlikely given the loss of reputation that the company would have to deal with. It’s not that women don’t have faith in the legal system or the police. But can they be assured of a closure?

No. The system as it stand today needs to get tighter.

We need to shift the focus from the victim to the abuser

I think that the only way a sexual offender can be taken to task is for him to be publicly shamed. If only we had had a #HeToo campaign! Some efforts have made an effort to do so.

In early January, Moira Donegan, a former New Republic editor, came forward as the creator of a crowd sourced “Shitty Media Men” list. The Google spreadsheet was a collection of names of men in magazines and publishing who were known to be sexual predators. The list was meant to be a private document with the aim of women warning other women. It was a safe means for women to finally name those who had violated them. In a matter of hours, the document reached far and wide and became public. Even though Donegan didn’t intend it, some names that appeared in the sheet were investigated by their employers resulting in their resignations or their removal!

Of course Donegan faced a lot of criticism for her approach and many questioned the validity of the names. But what other option was available! Donegan was not the only person to start these anonymous spreadsheets. There were others. The gender pay gap at Google was revealed via a spreadsheet! In the absence of faith in formal channels, women shall continue to choose anonymous means to express their distress against sexual harassment and other forms of gender discrimination.

It is not a Women Vs Men war

Sexual abuse must be looked down upon by everyone. Not just women.

In an earlier blog post, I wrote about how in a video. female comedian, Aditi Mittal spoke of a horrible incident of sexism at a discussion with fellow comedians Daniel Fernandes and Karunesh. She however refrained from taking his name. Karunesh did. Other men showed their support by posting positive comments to the video.

In Aditi’s case, the perpetrator was an influential person in the comic community. And yet Karunesh did the right thing by calling him out. It not only frees Aditi from any pressure, it also sends a warning signal to other men. If you know of someone who abuses his power to violate a woman around you, it is your duty to raise your voice.

It’s simple really. When you get hurt, you need someone to support you and take you to the doctor right? Well so many women are hurt! Who is up for supporting them? Men out there…speak out, please! You cannot keep quiet until something unspeakable happens to your mother, sister, daughter or friend! In the words of comedian and activist Nick Jack Pappas: “Men, Don’t say you have a mother, a sister, a daughter… Say you have a father, a brother, a son who can do better. We all can.”

Taking you back to Harry Potter to where Dumbledore displayed his sagacity:

“I say to you all, once again — in the light of Lord Voldemort’s return, we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided. Lord Voldemort’s gift for spreading discord and enmity is very great. We can fight it only by showing an equally strong bond of friendship and trust. It is my belief — and never have I so hoped that I am mistaken — that we are all facing dark and difficult times.”

Dumbledore I am sure was a feminist. Because, his advice is also relevant in the fight against sexual harassment. The only way to stand up to sexual harassment is for men and women across the world to form a united front. Time’s Up. We must all get together and create our own ‘Order of the Phoenix’ and defeat the Dark Lords in the real world. We need to take the first steps to a better future.

Reading time: 5 min

Rape Culture Is Real

The Woman Who Cried Marital Abuse

He Who Must Not Be Named or Shamed

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