In the fantasy series of Harry Potter, Lord Voldemort was the main antagonist who chose evil means to become the supreme ruler. The Dark Lord’s terror was so widespread that people were too scared to take his name.

Harvey Weinstein was the Dark Lord of Hollywood. His power and influence trumped that of many A-list actresses. There were hushed whispers of ‘You-Know-Who’ all along in Hollywood but fearing the worst, they all protected ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’.  

Now young Harry Potter bravely took Voldemort’s name because Dumbledore had wisely advised him, “Call him Voldemort, Harry…Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.”  

Following the Harvey Weinstein scandal, Actress Alyssa Milano wrote a call-out on Twitter asking followers to share their stories of sexual harassment and assault using the phrase “Me too.” But she was not the who created the campaign. The campaign was started 10 years ago by a Black woman! Tarana Burke is the original creator of the #MeToo campaign. It was to be a catchphrase of solidarity.

In an earlier blog post, I wrote about how in a video. female comedian, Aditi Mittal spoke of a horrible incident of sexism at a discussion with fellow comedians Daniel Fernandes and Karunesh. She however refrained from taking his name. Karunesh did. Other men showed their support by posting positive comments to the video. 

Ever felt low and less confident after meeting someone?

Ever felt worried that you are losing your memory and your sanity because someone you trust keeps telling you that you are?

Ever been told…

‘Calm down! You have gone totally mad! Give your imagination some rest woman!’

Or ‘Hey, come on! Don’t be so sensitive! Stop all this crazy talk! You know I care for you so much.’

Ever received a backhanded compliment? ‘You don’t look like a Malayalee at all!’

Ever received a compliment followed by a critique? ‘That dress is amazing but you should lose a little more weight to look amazing in it.’

Were you ever compared to someone you didn’t know? ‘You remind me so much of my best friend’s girl-friend!’ Did it make you want to do everything you could to become better than this person you have never met?

I didn’t know what gaslighting or negging was until recently. But when I did, I realized that owing to my own naivety I’ve been a victim of these extremely dangerous forms of emotional abuse many times over.

Physical abuse is abhorrent. However, because of it’s nature, the society to a great extent looks down upon it. The victims do find support. However,  because the scars of emotional/ psychological abuse are invisible to most, it is way more difficult to get support and heal from it.

‘Gaslighting’ means to ‘manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own memory, perceptions and sanity.’

The term ‘gaslighting’ owes its origin to a 1938 play ‘Gas Light’. The play was adapted into an American movie of the same name in 1944 where the lady who was gaslit was played by the popular yesteryear female actor – Ingrid Bergman. The central narrative focussed on a couple and showed how the husband successfully manipulated his wife by convincing her into thinking that she was slowly becoming insane through a series of seemingly unexplained incidents which were deliberately planned. It began with him dimming the ‘gaslights’ (a type of lamp in which an incandescent mantle is heated by a jet of burning gas) in the house while searching for some jewels.  When the wife noticed it and brought it up, he called it a figment of her imagination. He also isolated his wife from friends and family and convinced her that she is a kleptomaniac. Psychology authors began using of the title of the movie as a verb colloquially.  But it wasn’t until mid- 2010’s that the term Gaslighting began being used to mean ‘the subjective experience of having reality repeatedly questioned by another.’

Those who resort to gaslighting will first charm you and win your trust. All is well till the time the target falls in line with the gaslighter’s wishes. Then when they are caught lying or the target doubts his/ her intentions, they resort to gaslighting.

Here begins the journey of breaking your confidence by discrediting your memories and feelings. And when you bring it up, they will make you seem silly and immature for doing so. They will dismiss you as well as the situation and convince you to nip it in the bud. In case you persist, they will either change the topic or pretend to have been hurt by your actions making themselves appear as the victim. Now the latter is a very cunning move…because you will end up feeling miserable and will apologize for the wrong being done to you. They will never apologize to you. This is a big tell-tale sign.

Gaslighters are usually very intelligent people and craft their arguments very well. They have a strong need to be right always and hence you will feel never win arguments with them. They will alternate between being nice and mean. All this is a part of their agenda and it will upset you, confuse you and make you feel less confident.

Read more about the tactics of gaslighting in this book. Here is another great article on gaslighting.

According to Urban Dictionary this flirting technique is defined as “low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.” As unbelievable as it may sound, the men who resort to negging wish to make the woman fall for him! Of course he is so insecure that he feels he has a chance only if she is made to feel less confident. One needs to be confident and secure about oneself to realize that a politely worded insult is an insult at the end of the day. Do go through these negging scenarios to protect yourself.

• To undermine your confidence

• To make you always feel confused, frustrated and overwhelmed

• To brainwash you so that you forget your true identity

• To make you vulnerable and ultimately accepting of the manipulator’s wishes

It is important to not let someone else control your emotions and ultimately your actions. A victim of emotional abuse often goes through different stages in the relationship: disbelief, aggression and finally depression. Feeling under-confident and confused all the time can make you feel that you are mentally unstable. It could happen that the victim turns to the manipulator himself for help and this leads to a very vicious circle.

Manipulators usually reach out to targets that come across as under-confident.  Those who tend to self-doubt easily – again owing to the years of conditioning and the pressure of being considered perfect, become easy targets for these manipulators. They also usually give the benefit of doubt to the manipulators, elongating the period of manipulation. They also tend to target introverts who usually don’t have many friends or a great support system. This makes you defenseless and they know it!

But even confident assertive people need to keep their defenses up. The manipulators will appeal to your kindness, compassion and empathy. They may come across as vulnerable initially just to win you over and then proceed to play with your head.

Narcissists i.e. those who buried their true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self usually end up manipulating others. Narcissists are unable to regulate his/ her self-esteem and are unable to make deep and intimate lasting ties with another human being.  According to Dr. Ramani, psychologist of repute and an expert on narcissim (also a narcissistic abuse survivor herself), there are four pillars to narcissism:

1. Display of lack of empathy
2. Grandiosity or a sense of superiority and the need to be imposing
3. A chronic sense of entitlement and self-importance
4. A chronic need for admiration as well as validation from other people.

a) They are charmers.

b) They love bragging and often lie.

c) They will never admit to their faults and get angry when someone points them out.

d) They love doing things that are not considered ‘normal’ .

e) They get a huge high from being in control. 

Narcissists are so insecure that emotionally abusing others is what gives them a sense of superiority.

Don’t think that you need to step away only when physical abuse is involved. Emotional abuse can also have damaging repercussions. No matter what the situation, trust your instinct. If you don’t feel good – it’s time to back off.

Also, there appears to be no positive outcome from confronting your abuser and telling him you know he emotionally abused you. He may get angry or try and charm you in order to continue his tactics.

This is especially important since manipulators will try to keep you away from your support system.

Talking to a professional will help you to sort your insecurities and build your confidence.

1) Those who truly love you will NEVER humiliate you or make you feel horrible about yourself. Sure people make mistakes. But if you realize that someone refuses to ever apologise for having hurt your feelings, please have the courage to end the septic relationship.

2) Never let the confidence in yourself waver because of what someone says. Always give yourself time to assess things objectively. But don’t ever second-guess yourself. Learn to become assertive. You are unique. Don’t try to change for anyone.

3) Never let anyone tell you how to feel or what to feel. If you are ‘too sensitive’ it is ok…embrace it. Spend time with yourself to find out more about yourself and figure out what works and doesn’t work for you.

People resort to manipulation every day- with their partners, at work or with friends. It could be serious or unfortunately even flippant. In rare cases, the manipulators are not exactly aware of what they are doing.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing any of the above forms of manipulation, please please reach out for help. I really wish I knew what gaslighting was much earlier in my life so that I could protect myself. But knowing how I can and have been manipulated, I feel empowered. I know I can prevent it from happening in the future. And I want all my fellow readers to also protect themselves.

Please do share this post with your loved ones. You could also read up more on the subject through books or via several online resources and speak about emotional abuse to your teenage children.

I have always felt huge pride in being an independent woman living in Mumbai and building a life for herself. What I am not so proud about is that I never actively saved. I supported my parents in whichever little way I could…but mostly I spent all my hard-earned money on clothes, shoes and eating out! Well I saved the bare minimum for attaining Income Tax exemptions. When I got married, my saving habits improved quite a bit thankfully. Having been independent for so many years, meant that I would resort to only the money I earned to spend. I didn’t like the idea of asking my husband for money. I would have continued on my self-reliant ways if something hadn’t gone tragically wrong. 

I was forced to take a sudden break from work owing to severely poor health towards the end of last year. It took me a while to recover from my illness. Quitting work had affected my confidence and brought me to the dumps. I was questioning my abilities and my future. I knew I had to pull myself up and turned to my passion – writing. 

Now all writers know that freelance writing projects are hard to come by and my liquid savings were dwindling. I had invested all my savings in long term saving instruments for tax purposes and today I have ended up in a situation I never thought I would – dependent! Reluctant to break my Fixed Deposits or close my Mutual Funds meant that I did not have liquid cash to tide me over till I start earning again. 

So while I broke one stereotype by becoming a working woman, I did not break the other stereotype of women not being good with money. I am a graduate in Commerce and a Post Graduate in Economics and yet I did not plan, save or invest well enough for my financial security! Of course my husband was and is supportive and so are my parents in law. But my parents constantly remind me of the importance of being financially independent, lest I get carried away and get too comfortable with being taken care of. 

I hope to be up and running soon. But my situation has got me to ponder on the reasons why a lot of well-educated and qualified women become financially dependent on their husbands and remain clueless about the way money functions. Before that, we need to ask a very important question: 

In unfortunate circumstances, many women don’t enter the workforce at all. They either don’t equip themselves with sufficient qualifications or even if they do, they end up getting married just after studying. Owing to gender norms, they move from being financially dependent on their fathers to their husbands. These are the women that make India rank a dismal 120th among 130 countries in women’s participation in the workforce. 

But there are several life situations that could cause a well-qualified woman to become financially dependent –marriage, pregnancy and child birth, career shift, further studies, and health issues. 

Marriage and child-birth are traditionally considered very important milestones in a woman’s life- big enough for her to focus all energies on them, barring all else. It’s unfortunate that even today very few will question a non-working wife. The duration of career break in these cases could last anywhere between 3 months to never returning to the workforce. 

A smart and confident woman may continue to work post marriage. In fact she may be so ambitious, that she may decide to take a career break to study further. A rare occurrence, but such women still may need to worry about tiding over up to 2 years of career break. 

She may also wish to change her job or career or be forced to do so owing to health issues, necessitating a break from work that could last to a year or more. 

Very few women go through life without taking a career break at all and yet, very few women prepare for it. 

I am not generalizing. We all know of many inspirational women who have excelled in the financial sector. There are many women who carefully invest time and effort in managing their finances. But, here is what feminists like me would have to accept – a large percentage of women depend on men to take care of their finances especially when they are on a break. Of course it has to do again with cultural conditioning. Men are considered better at managing money. But that’s just because they do more of it and have got good because of all the practise they’ve got! As Feminists, women have no right to ask for equality, if we don’t take responsibility for our finances. Today, when the divorce rates are on the rise, it becomes even more important for women to know the complete ins-and-outs of their money. The courts of today are becoming more and more reluctant to instruct husbands to award ‘maintenance’ to their ex-wives who are qualified. 

Create an Excel Sheet in order to 

a. Keep a track of all your earnings, investments and savings 

b. Keep a track of your expenditure 

c. Keep a very close track of your credit card and other debts 

There are several online and offline courses, websites, youtube videos, blogs etc. to help you learn how to make your hard-earned money work to make more money! No more excuses – get down to it. Understand your risk-appetite and accordingly choose the right investment vehicle. 

3) Have more conversations with your husband about money 

It’s important that both husband and wife are committed to a secure financial future. Women tend to not talk about money. But it is these conversations that help you learn more and get better at money management. 

This is a very crucial step to take for a stable financial future. The rule of thumb is to have a contingency fund of at least 6 times your regularly monthly income that is liquid but remains untouched except in case of emergencies. So you have at least 6 months of savings to get back on your feet in case of emergencies. 

5) Goal planning 

Other than monthly expenditure, you must take joint decisions with your husband on important aspects such as how much money do you want to keep aside for retirement, children’s education or even holidays. 

For more tips on managing your money, visit a friend’s blog that will help you kick off your financial journey. 

Fellow Women, let’s not be hesitant. Let’s not be ignorant. Let’s definitely not be dependent. We have got to conquer our finances first in order to go on and conquer the world!

Cricket and Hindi Films (some call it Bollywood) are the nation’s biggest loves. Both of them also very clearly reflect the sexism in our society. I have already spoken about the under-representation of women in our films in my previous post. In the case of cricket, or rather Women’s Cricket, I would like to divide my arguments to focus on 2 issues – the wide discrepancies in ‘Pay’ as in her in earning capabilities in comparison to men in the same industry and ‘Say’ as in the decision-making powers of women. 

India woke up to the Indian Women’s Cricket Team’s abilities only last year, thanks to a brilliant performance in the ICC Women’s World Cup where they ended up as runners-up. Even though their matches have only recently started to be televised, some of the women cricketers have around a decade worth of experience. And yet when BCCI announced the retainer fees for the contracted women and men cricketers (ironically a day before International Women’s Day) everyone was shocked to see that the lowest paid male cricketer is set to earn double the highest paid female one. That’s a wide chasm. Now one could argue that there are various factors that you could attribute this chasm to: 

These are practical factors and are acceptable. 

Mithali Raj in an interview in January this year said that women’s cricket should not be compared to men’s cricket. A case of frustration? In the article there are many statements that make you wonder how much say she and her team really have in the decision-making process! ‘It’s up to the Board’ seems to be something that she has accepted – when it came to training, TV telecast or the need for a women’s league similar to the IPL. She also lamented on the way people perceived women’s cricket. 

It is no secret that Kolhi has the final say – or the ‘veto power’, not only when it comes to getting the best team members but also the coach that he wants a.k.a Ravi Shastri over Anil Kumble. He also had a very important role to play in the pay negotiations. He along with ex-skipper Mahendra Singh Dhoni and coach Ravi Shastri ensured with the recent pay hike for the male cricketers that their earnings match those of their English and Australian counterparts. 

Sure, men’s cricket has an established and loyal fan base and that the women’s cricket will take a while to get there. Even the women cricketers must agree with it to some level. But I still believe that we need to get to Equal Say and Equal Pay eventually. After all, other than a slightly smaller size ball and slightly shorter boundaries, women cricket is not played any differently than men’s cricket on the field. 

Rahul Dravid or ‘The Wall’ as he was popularly known as, made his country proud with his work ethic and determination. He continues to inspire even after his retirement. Dravid recently took a very important stand fuelling the arguments in favour of ‘Equal Work for Equal Pay’. When the U-19 team that he coached won the World Cup for a record 4th time, the BCCI announced prize money for the team, coach and support staff as follows: 

Rahul Dravid immediately protested this. He said that that it embarrassed him to get so much focus and attention when the entire team of coaching support staff put in an equal amount of effort as he did. BCCI had to reverse its decision and award all the members of the coaching staff including the coach Rs. 25 lakhs. Dravid took a prize money cut (I am aware it is not a pay cut) of Rs. 25 lakhs. 

We need someone prominent (ideally the men’s cricket captain…after all he is married to a feminist!) to acknowledge the pay gap in women’s cricket as compared to the men’s and suggest ways to diminish the gap over time… say 20 or 30 years. 

1) The BCCI needs to invest in women’s cricket today to get returns tomorrow. They need to provide all the infrastructure and support that the men’s cricket gets. It can’t happen overnight but it must in time. 

2) The cricket tours must be organized in similar fashion to the Tennis Tournaments, where the women’s and men’s cricketers tour together and compete with their respective opponents from the same country. It will reduce the logistics and sponsorship issues while giving women’s cricket a lot more support. It will also make it double the fun for a spectator. He/she could watch 2 T20 matches – one of the men’s and the other of the women’s team on the same day with lunch in between. What a perfect Sunday! 

3) One-off matches consisting of mixed teams comprising of 6 men and 5 women cricketers should be considered. The men and women will learn a lot while playing with one another. If playing in the IPL has taught us anything, then it is that close associations with the best in the world improves your game by leaps and folds. 

4) Televise as many matches of women’s cricket as possible and target women viewers. Most men who are true cricket lovers should naturally become loyal fans of women cricket. Unless they are misogynists, the women’s cricket team is just another Indian team to root for! The new women fans will also follow men’s cricket in time. The increase in demand for tickets would lead to increase in prices. 

5) BCCI also needs to commit to reducing the pay gap over a period of time-10/20/30 years. They could also lay down criteria based on performance that could claim increase in pay. 

Once the foundation is taken care of and women are assured of good pay in the sport if they perform, we will soon have envious bench strength of talented youngsters. With training and guidance, their potential will translate to good match performances and victories. The Women’s ODI team is already doing very well. These changes will help create a team that performs well consistently and across all the formats of the game including T20 where the team is currently struggling for good form. 

I cannot end this post without…

No more calling men’s cricket ‘cricket’ and adding the gender prefix only in case of women. Call it men’s cricket from now on. Then calling it women’s cricket is justified. Also let all the players wielding the bat be known as ‘batters’. The gender neutral name will ensure that commentators’ lives become easier. No more stumbling over ‘batsman’ or ‘batswoman’. Oh and along the way, it would be great if someone could acknowledge the sexism in the terms ‘Third Man’ and ‘Maiden Over’ and come up with gender-neutral terms for these as well! 

This goes particularly to the commentators. Just as you spent time with the international team while also keeping a close eye on the younger crop, please do the same for women’s cricket as well. References to men’s cricket should be avoided as far as possible. Of course, for this to happen, again more women’s matches need to be televised. 

Journalists also need to stay away from asking the women cricketers to comment on how well Virat and his team are playing. I think such questions just demean the efforts of the women’s team. 

Finally let us give a rest to the most important question: Indian men’s or women’s cricket team—which is better?. Through a scientific method such as ‘Elo Ratings’, it has been established that the Indian women’s cricket team with lesser pay and say as compared to the more established men’s cricket was still the better cricket team as on July 2017! 

P.S. I love my cricket. I have watched and enjoyed the sport since I have been a kid. I enjoy all formats of the game including even box cricket. The views in this post are based solely on what I watch on TV and what I read about it. I have never played the game and I did not reach out to any women cricketer prior to writing this.

Patriarchy, Misogyny, Bigotry

No it is the ignorance silly that makes us angry.

‘Oh no don’t say angry, we don’t want to be known as crazy’

Ha! No more gaslighting or other means to make us doubt our own sanity!

‘Women don’t know what they want. They’re so flaky.’

Just one of those things that make us go -Why so judgy?

So here’s a list of things that we don’t want. Listen carefully.

Blame it on cultural conditioning if none of it makes sense to thee.

We don’t want rules and boundaries

We don’t always want the pressure of being a good girl or a lady

We don’t want to be superwomanly

Sometimes we just want to be lazy.

We don’t want to be pigeon-holed as pretty, hot or sexy

We don’t want to be judged for anything but our abilities

We don’t want to miss any opportunity

Just because we got married and had a baby

We don’t want to be ignored or put down needlessly

We don’t want to deal with any biases while ascending corporate hierarchy

We don’t want to work just because we need pocket money

We don’t want to quit work just to fulfill familial duties

We don’t want to do anything just to please the society

We don’t want to be told what should be our priorities

We don’t want to be groped or touched inappropriately

We don’t want our safety to be only our responsibility

We don’t want to be pressured into suffering abuse silently

We don’t want to be doubted when we report it regretfully

We don’t want big gestures, just some empathy

We don’t want reservation, just inclusivity

In this world that is talking about big things like gender fluidity

We don’t want anything more than being able to express our identity

We don’t want to piss off anyone majorly

But we also don’t want to lose our mental stability

We may raise our voice but don’t want complete anarchy

We just don’t want unfairness and hence are pursuing equality