#AtoZ of #Feminism – Ashwini's Perceptions

Blogger Interactions, Musings

Looking back… #AtoZ Challenge Reflections

May 3, 2018 by ashwini 28 Comments

Warnings:

1) I have poured my heart out here – so some bits maybe incoherent and unusually emotional (no research here people – just naked thoughts!)

2) This is a long post of 2700+ words

I thought I would give a brief background about how I ended up taking the A-Z challenge. Then my emotions took over and I ended up writing 933 words on the background alone! So I have split this post into 3 parts. In case you wish to skip the background, and want to only read about my experience in the A-Z challenge, you could do so by skipping the first and moving directly to the second section.

The Background

The A-Z Challenge – Insights & Thank You’s

The Future

Reading time: 16 min

A-Z Challenge 2018, Feminism, Hindi, Poems

ज़माने को चलो बदलते हैं (Zamaane ko chalo badalte hain) Hindi Poem

April 30, 2018 by ashwini 12 Comments

Essence of the Hindi Poem in English

Come, let’s change the world, let’s walk towards a new era

Let’s accept that some lives are incomplete

Let’s listen to every voice, let’s give courage to every scream

Let’s not hide our differences under the blankets of tradition

Let’s ask ourselves what our gender has got to do with our dreams

Let’s differentiate between ‘My truth’ and ‘The truth’

Let’s work continuously towards creating a world without any differences

Let’s not compete, let’s work together. Come, let’s change the world

Join me. Let’s undertake the journey to equality together.

Reading time: 1 min

A-Z Challenge 2018, Feminism

Only Yes is Yes

April 28, 2018 by ashwini 21 Comments

The Hindi Film ‘Pink’ made the following words resonate with every woman across the country: ‘No means no’. When Amitabh said, “’Na’ sirf ek shabd nahi, apne aap mein ek poora vakya hai (‘No’ is not just a word, but a full sentence in and of itself,)” India took cognizance. The film is credited to have broken down the idea of ‘consent’ to its simplest form for men to understand it better. The nation began discussing about ‘consent’ and importantly so. However, to my own surprise, something about ‘No means No’ bothered me. And then it struck me…why should a woman have to say ‘No’?!

The wrong notion of Consent

We all have been guilty of letting hope interfere with our logic. When you ask your mom’s consent to go for a night-out with your friends, and she does not consent, what do you do? You hope she will change her mind and then you badger her, until she gives in. Did she truly give her consent or relent to your pressure?

You must have heard the song ‘Na na karte pyaar tumhi se kar baithe..’. Sung by Mohd. Rafi, the song from the Hindi film ‘Jab Jab Phool Khile’ expresses the popular sentiment perfectly. In almost all the songs from the 70’s and 80’s, the heroine would be depicted as coy and very ‘proper’. She would have a change of heart only after many attempts made by her suitor. The moral – ‘Never give up’ because ‘sabr ka phal meetha hota hai’. This kind of harassment has been our idea of ‘romance’!

It’s the same thing as far as I am concerned when we talk about sexual consent. When a woman or a man turns down her or his suitor’s advances, she or he does not lose hope and continues the pursuit in the fervent hope that their object of desire will eventually succumb to their passionate requests. And often they do…completely unwillingly. This is why ‘No means No’ will not work in the Indian context.

What is Consent?

According to Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center or SAPAC – Consent is when someone agrees, gives permission, or says “yes” to sexual activity with other persons. Consent is always freely given and all people in asexual situation must feel that they are able to say “yes” or “no” or stop the sexual activity at any point.

Please note the key-words above is ‘stop the sexual activity at any point’.

The affirmative model of Consent

The affirmation model of consent essentially relies on a positive agreement between the parties before sexual interaction can begin – in simple terms, a clear and unequivocal “yes”.

The Californian law states:

“Affirmative consent” means affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity. It is the responsibility of each person involved in the sexual activity to ensure that he or she has the affirmative consent of the other or others to engage in the sexual activity.

Then why should a woman have to SAY ‘NO’ or ‘STOP’ or ‘DON’T?!

If a woman’s body language screams ‘NO’…

If she looks uncomfortable;
If she looks scared;
If she puts her hand out;
If she tries to walk away;
If she tries to step back

…all of it MEANS NO!!!

Some of you out there are thinking…this is too vague – how will we know for sure? Ask the other person!! At any time he/she looks uncomfortable – ask ‘Are you ok? Should we continue?’ If he/she says yes…then continue; else wait. I have had an intellectual conversation a man on this topic and was told that its not practically possible to stop, once the ball is set rolling. If this were really the case, then I’m sorry most of the sex people are having is rape and not sex! This is where the sense of entitlement kicks in and just because you think it is right, doesn’t mean it is. Because whether or not a woman feels sexually violated depends on her and not on the violator! Read this enlightening article on ‘7 Things That Can Be Rape, Even If You Were Taught To Think That They Can’t Be’ to know more.

Sometimes pop culture gets it right

Read this amazing article on how pop-culture got it right when it came to consent. Using scenes from 5 movies – Steven Universe, Thelma and Louise, Frozen, The Philadelphia Story, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the article depicts how consent must be taken in order to make a physical experience enriching for both partners.

The following extract from the article delivers a very powerful message – please read it carefully:

You may have noticed that in some of these examples, the encounter ends with no encounter. No sex, no kiss. Being careful about consent sometimes means not having sex you might otherwise have had. Think for a moment about what that implies. When you’re not careful about consent, you’re taking a real chance that some of the sex you’re having isn’t consensual.

Consent is also important in a marriage

Stand-up comedian Daniel Fernandes speaks about ‘Marital Rape’ in the following video. While he gets a few laughs, the message is very hard-hitting.

The most stark ‘jokes’ for me were towards the middle (4:34 to 5:01) –

“What is the difference between Marital Rape and Rape? There is no difference. It’s the same thing. If there is no consent…if you are forcing yourself on your wife, it is rape. Except here she probably does hope that death will do you apart. In fact I think Marital Rape is worse. Because not only are you sexually violated, you have to wake up the next morning and make your rapist breakfast. That is horrible.”

I would like to end this article with Daniel Fernandes’ words –

“Just because she said ‘I do’ doesn’t mean that you never have to ask again.”

Reading time: 5 min

A-Z Challenge 2018, Feminism

Not much has changed since Xanthippe

April 27, 2018 by ashwini 12 Comments

Who was Xanthippe you ask?

Well she was the much younger wife of the famous Greek Philosopher Socrates. And what did Socrates think about his wife Xanthippe? He said that he tolerated his first wife Xanthippe, because she bore him sons, in the same way one tolerated the noise of geese because they produce eggs and chicks. Basically, this analogy perpetuated the claim that a woman’s sole role was reproduction.

PicSource: QuoteHD.com & BlackHawkpi

An incident involving the two went ‘viral’ (well we still know of it 2500 years later don’t we?) was how Xanthippe poured the contents of a bedpan on to the philosopher’s head after an argument. And that’s how the term “Xanthippe” has now come to mean any nagging scolding person, especially a shrewish wife. I think Xanthippe was one of the first Feminists and given how her name has such a negative connotation today, Socrates could may well have called her a Feminazi!

And nothing has changed really. Even today almost all of Feminism is being reduced to ‘angry frustrated women asking for rights’ or Feminazi’s! And this post is about deciphering why Feminism got such a bad name?

Before that…at the cost of repetition (sorry my regular empathetic readers – you can skip this part), Feminism speaks of equal rights and opportunities for all genders. And the definition of a Feminist that most resonated with me was the one that Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, a Feminist from Lagos, Nigeria gave in her very well-articulated TEDx talk, ‘Why we should all be Feminists’ – ‘A feminist is a man or a woman, who says -Yes, there is a problem with gender as it is today and we must fix it. We must do better.’

The Feminist Journey

The Feminist Movement has not only called out the discrimination against women in society but also raised its voice against other marginalized sections. It is has also spoken about the negative impacts of the patriarchal system on men. As a result of Feminism, more women are able to work, vote and make their voice heard.

Of course there are still many changes that are yet to be made: Equal Pay, Right to Safety, Right to Equal Representation etc. And we need to keep pondering, discussing and finding solutions for these issues.

And while I would consider myself at the nascent stage of Feminism, even from my basic understanding, it is a movement that has a lot of power.

And yet this is what people think…

Pic source: Everydayfeminism.com & Patreon.com

Why is there resistance to Feminism?

1) The notion that ‘Women are privileged too’

If people don’t accept that there is an issue in the first place, nothing we say further will make any sense! And I am surprised that we still have to say, no women are not as privileged as men.

Our legal system that promotes equality of rights also rationalizes the special provisions for women. Stand-up comedian Karunesh Talwar thrashed the idea that giving women a separate compartment in a train is a ‘privilege’ in his video on women’s safety.

I also had a conversation today on Twitter on this topic… that just reinforced the need for this movement. I will try and keep the conversation going in the hope that ‘Serious Dude’ sees the Feminist POV.

2) The name – ‘Feminism’ itself is a problem

A lot of men and women would align with the cause for ‘equality of genders’ but they won’t align to it because it has an apparent feminine tonality.

My request to those of who you feel this way, please ask yourself if the name should hold you back, even though the cause resonates with you. When you say you’re a Feminist, you don’t become an ally of the women. You’re just saying you have an egalitarian bent of mind.

3) Other terms related to Feminism:

Terms like ‘Toxic Masculinity’, ‘Misogyny’, ‘Patriarchy’ etc. have a strong anti-men tone resulting in most men shunning them, even if principally they believe in women’s rights and equality. Terms like ‘Intersectionality’ are confusing and complex. The way I see it is, just like I would not like to be termed a ‘Feminazi’ or ‘Xanthippe’ because I voice my opinions, men don’t like being told that #AllMenAreTrash (More on that in the next point). These terms have been coined and have an important role to play in the Feminist movement. Again, my request is to be aware of and understand better what these terms are before raising your voice against them.

4) The notion that Feminists think that #AllMenAreTrash and women are superior

I was kind of shocked to see the above hashtag trending on Twitter last week. Of course I tweeted out my opinion:

Fact- #Feminism is about equal opportunities and rights for all genders. It is not about men- bashing.

Fiction – #AllMenAreTrash

— Ashwini Menon (@Ashwini_Menon) April 22, 2018

There is no question of superiority when we are talking about equality.

5) The notion that Feminists are angry and extreme

I like how Chimamanda negated the belief that ‘Feminists are unhappy women who are unhappy because they cannot find husbands’. It’s so silly but it’s still believed to be true. Yes, Feminism is a movement that is raising its voice against the injustices doled out by patriarchy for generations. But that does not mean that all Feminists are filled with anger. There was a phase of Feminism that did promote it. But I feel that any long-lasting change can only come about with understanding.

Why more men need to speak in favour of Feminism

As much as I would like for all celebrities to be Feminists, most are not. Now comedians are the newest celebrities on the block and some of them are very anti-establishment and irreverent. They are cool and informed and funny. When they speak of Feminism…and I hope more do… people listen, particularly if they are men.

Do watch my favorite video on Feminism video from 42:18 where stand-up comedian Karunesh Talwar (the most vociferous Feminist I know) actually goes on a rant for Feminism while taking apart a troll’s comment (screenshot above). I couldn’t have said it better.

Also hear from 51:00 where Aditi Mittal speaks about her Feminist journey and why some women get angry about not having their rights. At this point Daniel apologizes for his ignorance because of which he added a joke on Feminazis in one of his earlier sets on Feminism. This is what he had said in the video, “Feminazi is offensive…wait for it… to Hilter! Because apparently Hitler killed both men and women and didn’t discriminate.” It’s a joke in bad taste. But hey I have no issues with a comedian who is pretty much just voicing most people’s thoughts. Especially when he ends the set with “Women, Men are not the enemy. Men, women are not the enemy. We are in this together.”

I couldn’t have agreed more. That’s why I wrote an open letter that got published on Women’s Web: Calling All #FeministHeroes: Patriarchy Dehumanises Men Too! Speak Up For Feminism NOW. I genuinely believe that more men need to join the Feminist movement for real change to be effected.

I must admit my own journey in Feminism has evolved from a ‘why the hell are things so unfair’ to ‘let me see what I can do to understand this better’. In all my posts in this challenge as well, I have tried to look at women’s and men’s rights from various angles. And I’m glad my fellow bloggers- men and women have supported me in this journey. We all need to work together to bring about a change in the society. It’s ok to not agree with things I have said or aspects of the Feminist movement. But there is no point in arguing for the sake of arguing. If the arguments are not backed by research or an open mind, they won’t lead to anything worthwhile.

Even if one line from any of my posts have made you question your older beliefs, do let me know because that would make me feel that I am on the right track. On the other hand, if you felt I was wrong about something, I am all ears too. Let’s talk. For that’s the first step to change. Feminists are not like Xanthippe and are definitely not Feminazi’s. It’s time to stop the negative associations.

Reading time: 7 min

A-Z Challenge 2018, Feminism

Women’s contribution to Patriarchy

April 26, 2018 by ashwini 22 Comments

Source: Pinterest

Why aren’t all women Feminists?

The above question has plagued me. I believe that everyone should support the idea of Feminism – men as well as women. Feminism talks of equal rights and opportunities for all genders. And equality as an ideal should make sense to everyone. Of course there is resistance from those who believe that there is a reason why there is a hierarchy in place. Now I get why most men would think this. Owing to years of conditioning, they have got used to it. But what I don’t understand is why women would oppose Feminism!? And I wish this was fiction…something sexists had created. But when I looked back at my life, I realized that a lot of my notions of patriarchy came from women around me.

Patriarchy as a system relegates women as the secondary sex. It is an age old concept. Philosophers such as Aristotle and Plato are considered to have influenced the idea that women must be ruled by men because they were not true rational beings and the only way to perfect themselves [be truly human], was for them to die and return to earth as men [Kasubhai; 1996:37, 47]. If this concept had to become universal and spread across the world since the last 2500 years, then it could not have been possible without women aligning to the concept. I am sure women protested at the beginning but these ‘Tired Feminists’ as I call them, gave up the fight…perhaps too easily and too soon. And that is what we should assess so that the next 2500 years are drastically different.

How do some women support Patriarchy?

1) By celebrating the birth of a male child or continuing to have children until one gets a male child

2) By training other women to ask for permission before doing anything

3) By encouraging the gender divide by asking a woman to do and say things that are different from what men do

4) By overtly giving preference to men and normalizing it

5) By propagating the idea that a woman seizes to be a daughter once married off

6) To create the illusive target of ‘work-life balance’ only for the woman and not the man

7) By popularizing the notion that the ‘submissive and sacrificing wife’ is the ideal woman

8) By not raising their voice when they or other women are sexually objectified or assualted

9) By saying that rapes take place because women don’t dress appropriately

10) By calling women who dress unconventionally cheap and blame=ing the roving eyes of men to ‘boys will be boys’

There could be many more instances as the above. None of these ideas would have found its place in society without the support of women.

Are women also misogynists?

As much as I would like to say otherwise, the answer unfortunately is ‘Yes’. Just as there are Feminist men, there are also Misogynist women.

Queen Victoria had famously denied equal voting rights by stating: ‘Let women be what God intended, a helpmeet for men but with totally different duties and vocations’. It’s not clear how she thought being Queen Empress fitted into this world view.

In America, think tank Demos found that half of misogynistic tweets (which contained the word “whore” or “slut”) came from women.

What are the reasons for women being misogynistic?

There could be several reasons for this. But usually it is because misogyny is internalized.

Some women who have toed the line all their lives can’t tolerate those who won’t do it themselves. They are usually extremely conservative and look down upon women that are like men aligning themselves with the Madonna–Whore Complex i.e. the belief that if women are not as pure as Madonna, then they are whores.

They also find comfort in ‘Benevolent Sexism’. Some women feel powerless; need men’s support and hence don’t raise their voice against the system. They feel a false sense of ‘protection’.

Their making peace with Patriarchy is akin to the Stockholm Syndrome: feelings of trust or affection felt in many cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim towards a captor. This peace however is a make-believe one because it is one that has emerged out of fear. That’s why some women feel that gender norms exist for a reason. They feel that they will give up on some privileges if they came out as Feminists.

Some women also go to the other extreme to hate all men and hence all feminine women who like men! Such radical thought has no place in Feminism since the movement does not propagate hatred against any gender.

Sometimes women in the workplace also show signs of misogyny

I had written about an article on the “Queen Bee syndrome” on Women’s Web – a popular Women’s Forum. The phenomenon talks of women discriminating against other women co-workers as they rise in seniority. This was in response to a study and an article that was conducted that stated that the Queen bees have become meaner.

I had critiqued the original article for popularizing the motion that ‘women are catty to one another.’ I am not denying that such cases exist. But the truth is that there are bad men bosses as well. In order to look for solutions, I tried to come up with some possibilities as to why women could possibly behave in this manner:

Some women try to behave like ‘one of the boys’ so that they are not seen as ‘women’. That’s why they distance themselves from other women

Some women who have reached senior positions have had to work very hard to break the glass ceiling and maybe unjustifiably so…but expect very high level of commitment from their subordinates

Some women fear coming across as favouring other women and hence choose to go to the other extreme

Some women still question a woman’s authority because there still aren’t enough examples of women in power

If the above are the possible reasons for the Queen Bee syndrome, then I genuinely feel that as more women enter the workforce and realize that they are not a threat to one another, the phenomenon will cease to exist.

How do we change the scenario?

In no circumstance should one continue life without a sense of reasoning or logic. Just because things have worked a particular way does not mean it should ad infinitum. If that were the case, we would not have had any inventions so far. A thinking man or woman questions the world around them and assesses for himself or herself the right way to live. Conformity is not a virtue.

All the above reasons of misogyny have arisen out of insecurity. Either women feel unsafe if they rebel against society or they feel threatened by one another. We need to talk, understand and support one another so that we are united against patriarchy. Women in power must guide and mentor other women so as to make our work environments more representative of the world we live in. Without unity we will not achieve equality and hence will never achieve true freedom or peace.

Reading time: 6 min

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Looking back… #AtoZ Challenge Reflections

ज़माने को चलो बदलते हैं (Zamaane ko chalo badalte hain) Hindi Poem

Only Yes is Yes

Not much has changed since Xanthippe

Women’s contribution to Patriarchy

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