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A-Z Challenge 2018, Feminism, Poems

Visage

April 25, 2018 by ashwini 28 Comments

VISAGE
She looked in the mirror 
And searched for signs of beauty 
So futile, she reminded herself 
When her strength was her vanity 
The attack had melted the veneer 
But her face was not her only identity 
Her spirit was recovering 
She refused to live like a faceless entity 
The world had turned its back 
Judging her for the blisters of vengeance 
But she had done no wrong 
Then why was she begging for acceptance? 
Her damaged eyesight didn’t impair her vision 
Her crinkled body was now thick-skinned 
Her scarred lips didn’t quiver anymore 
Her shriveled ears tuned out the din 
She will put on her game face 
And contour a winsome future 
She will pursue justice 
For she was not a Victim but a Victor.
Three Acid Attack Victors that inspired this poem:
Pic Source: Deccan Chronicle
Laxmi Aggarwal is a 29 year old Acid Attack Victor who today is a television host, winner of the International Women of Courage Award and a mother. She survived an acid attack at the tender age of 15 when she rejected the love of the then 32 year old friend of her brother.

“I believe that acid resides inside a man’s heart before it reaches his hands and gets thrown at someone like me. Two minutes ago someone said they loved you and it took no more than those two minutes for them to do something that does not even kill you but condemns you to a life worse than death?”

Pic Source: thestorypedia.com
Reshma Quereshi was 17 when 2 attackers poured acid all over her face as instructed by her sister’s estranged husband. Today, she has a YouTube channel where she gives makeup tutorials, at the same time spreading awareness against acid attacks. She has also walked the ramp at the New York Fashion Week and the Surat fashion show for Archana Kocchar.
“There is more acceptance of acid attack victims abroad — however, perhaps less awareness. It’s complex, but abroad, especially the West, acid attack survivors are given rehabilitation, emotional care, carry on to get married and lead normal lives. In countries like India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Iraq… a person is defined by that attack for life. “

“People still stare a lot and feel sorry for me. They shouldn’t feel sorry for me, they should feel angry with me.”

Pic Source: TheLogicalIndian
Monika Singh, is a UN Women Global Youth Champion and has not let the stigma stop her from pursuing her dream of making her mark in the fashion world. She also wants to help other victims turn victors through the Mahendra Singh Foundation, named after their late father which she co-founded with her brother Nikhil in 2015.

“Hit hard back. Prove that you are a leader of your own life and no one can take that from you.”

An Acid Attack is a crime of revenge. Its main purpose is to disfigure the victim’s face. The physical and consequential social scars make a victim feel lonely, broken, shamed and un-loved. Since most of these crimes are against women, it is up to us as a society to question the sense of entitlement that allows a man to easily cross the threshold of disappointment to vengeance. According to statistics, 300 acid attacks take place every year in India but by taking into account an estimate of the unreported cases, this number could be as high as 1000. Acid attacks are punishable with up to 10 years in prison but with acid available fairly easily, the crimes are not being contained. Organizations such as Acid Survivors Foundation India (ASFI), Chhanv – a support centre for acid attack survivors  and Make Love Not Scars are providing some much needed support to the victors.
The worse aspect of the crime is the impact on the victim’s confidence. This is something that we as a society are responsible for. Obsessed with beauty, we shame others who do not match the conventional standard. Here’s the request, next time you see someone who has already been scarred, let’s not add to their troubles.
Let’s not stare. Let’s not express pity. Let’s smile at them. Let’s send across some positive vibes their way. They deserve it.

Let’s also begin to appreciate beauty in a non-superficial way. This will ensure that the attackers will not have an incentive to carry out the attacks in the first place!
Reading time: 3 min
A-Z Challenge 2018, Feminism, Fiction

An Uncharacteristic Friendship #FlashFiction

April 24, 2018 by ashwini 22 Comments

They were poles apart. Pavi was very shy and the teacher’s pet. Ravi was naughty and a troublemaker. Pavi was plump and had a cute dimple. Ravi’s hair was always messed up and would usually go home with at least one bruise on some part of the body. Both were 8 years old, lived in the same society and went to the same class in the same school. 
But Ravi & Pavi were never apart. Nobody understood their friendship but they understood each other very well. They loved playing in the park together. While Pavi painted, Ravi would play video games. When Ravi burped, Pavi applauded. When Ravi’s Sixer would break a window, Pavi would  be made to flash those sweet dimples and apologize on Ravi’s behalf. Pavi was sensitive and would often cry. Ravi would know when to be supportive and when to give space. 
All would have gone perfectly fine if one day the boys from the neighbourhood building had not come strolling into the park the best friends played in. 
As usual Ravi was being mischievous. Pavi had a bar of chocolate that Ravi snatched and ran away with. Pavi knew that Ravi was too fast and gave up the race. Upset and hungry, Pavi began to cry. 
The gang of boys who had been silent bystanders until now…started laughing. Pointing at Pavi, the tallest of them all and the apparent leader of the group remarked loudly, “Look at that cute little girl crying for a chocolate! Fatty’s hungry? Awww! Come I’ll teach you how to run and get it!” Pavi immediately stopped crying. Ravi stormed up to them and demanded, ‘Who are you and where are you from? And why are you insulting my friend?!’ The leader took a few steps ahead and looked amusingly at Ravi’s angry face. Turning to his friends, he says, “Hey look at this! Baby girl has a baby bodyguard!” Ravi could bear the insolence no longer and kicked the older boy on the shin. He was caught by surprise and would have struck Ravi if they hadn’t heard the whistle of the park watchman and seen him coming running in their direction. “Ayyy…chalo niklo yahaan se! Gunde kahin ke! Bachon pe haath uthaega??! Bhago…” (Translation- You scoundrels…get away from here! Don’t you dare raise your hands on the kids! Run away…) Scared of the burly watchman, the boy and his gang disappeared quickly. 
The watchman ran towards the kids. He had known them since their childhood – right from the time when their mothers used to bring them to the park. He had seen them play together and watched their friendship grow from strength to strength. But he knew the time had come to make them aware of the truth of the world. He sighed before continuing –”Beta Pavan aur beti Ragahavi…tum donon ko ab samjhna chahiye ki duniya ke kuch ussool hain. Ladke rote nahin aur ladkiyan maar peet nahin karte…samjhe? Ab chalo Pavi…aasoon pocho. Ravi bitiya…chalo use ghar leke jaao.” (Translation -Pavan…son… Raghavi…dear girl… you need to know how the world works. Boys don’t cry while girls don’t fight. Come on now…Pavi, wipe your tears. Ravi take him home.)
Neither Pavi nor Ravi said a word while they walked back home. They were confused and shocked at what had just happened. 
She was unladylike and he was unmasculine. Their characters had so far been untouched by patriarchy. Will they change now? Will they remain friends? Who knows! 
Note: Pavi –nickname that is short for Pavan. Ravi –nickname that is short for Raghavi. Pavi is usually a nick name for a girl/woman and Ravi is usually a name/ nick name for a boy/man. 
Reading time: 3 min
A-Z Challenge 2018, Feminism

Toxic Masculinity and its impacts on men and women

April 23, 2018 by ashwini 18 Comments
Pic source: www.timeforanawakening.com

What it is not?
The term ‘Toxic masculinity’ was not coined for men-bashing. It is not an implication that masculinity is toxic in itself. Toxic masculinity is a serious issue that must be dealt with. It’s important to note that all men do not succumb to such behaviours. 
What it is?
According to Wikipedia: The concept of toxic masculinity is used in psychology and gender studies to refer to certain norms of masculine behavior in North America and Europe that are associated with harm to society and to men themselves.
Associate Professor of Psychology at University of Wisconsin-La Crosse, Dr. Ryan McKelley has his own running definition of the term that explains it well:

“attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors culturally associated with boys/men/masculinity that result in covert and overt bias/prejudice/subjugation/oppression/victimization of self and/or others. This includes the domination of others, misogyny and devaluation of women, homophobia, transphobia, and violence (including homicide and suicide).” 

How did it come about?
The birth of ‘toxic masculinity’ arises from gender stereotyping. The patriarchal system that created rigid definitions of femininity also did so for masculinity. Every time a parent (both men and women are guilty of propagating gender norms) tells a young boy to ‘be a man’ or ‘man up’ or ‘don’t be a wuss’, we disturb the natural course of things. “Mard ko dard nahin hota” is not a motivation line, it is an unwavering belief. 
What are some examples of toxic masculinity?
According to McKelley, toxic masculinity appears everywhere and can be in the form of common slurs, modern music, at school and outside of school, etc. Such behaviours could be displayed by men consciously or in a sub-conscious manner. 
Groups of men engaging in sexual jokes, eve-teasing, trash talk and even gang-rapes are manifestations of this issue. 
Popular culture that glorifies the hero bashing up 20 men fearlessly single-handedly makes the matter worse. 
What are some of the stereotype myths propagated as truths owing to toxic masculinity?

Source: Feminism in India & Image Credit: The Mighty Pucks
Patriarchy has laid some very unrealistic parameters of manhood for all men to follow that have a negative impact on men and women:


Why do men find it difficult to accept their or their friend’s behavior is toxic?
Imagine having been told all your life to do something and how you’re expected to do it and you get used to it and comfortable. If some things irk you or make you wonder, you put it aside and move on. Old wisdom is the best wisdom. So you don’t question and move on. You don’t check whether the old beliefs hold water in the new context.  A lot of men who say maybe don’t like drinking or aren’t naturally aggressive, find it difficult to confirm to the rigid ideas but relent nevertheless to the peer pressure. When someone then tells you, the way you have been having all this while is not correct, you get confused and angry even.
How does it harm men?
The constant need to match a benchmark is not easy. Not only do unrealistic expectations of ‘machoism’ cause harm to men’s psychology but it also has physical implications. These include high risk of STD’s, cardiovascular health and even suicides. Even though 1 in 59 men are raped, they feel ashamed to talk about it. Since they are always seen as the initiators of sex, if he complains of sexual assault, it is likely that he is asked why he did not enjoy it! 
Propagating ‘heteronormativity’ (the belief that people fall into distinct and complementary genders (male and female) with natural roles in life. It assumes that heterosexuality is the only sexual orientation or the only norm, and that sexual and marital relations are most (or only) fitting between people of opposite sex.), causes hatred and intolerance against the LGBTQ+ community. 
How is it linked to Misogyny?
Misogyny is the dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women. Toxic masculinity if unchecked leads to misogyny. The years of being told that men are superior to women, leads them to feel powerful. Attempts made by women to break this hierarchy is usually met with aggression and translates to sexual contempt. This leads to issues of sexual assaults, rapes and sexual trafficking. 
Why is it important to discuss it from the perspective of Feminism?
Patriarchy has led to toxic masculinity which in turn has led to subjugation of women. Unless you go back to the root cause of the problem, changes cannot be made. 
Since Feminism speaks of equal rights and opportunities to all, we need men to have the right to be themselves as well. The pressures of societal conditioning have a negative impact on them as well. 
How do we tackle the issue of ‘toxic masculinity’ as a society?
By restoring the balance. Neither men nor women should have unrealistic expectations placed on them. Both men and women need to help one another in our journeys together. No more saying ‘boys don’t cry’. Support is the key. The terms ‘femininity’ and ‘masculinity’ must arrive at a normal definition and not extreme ones. That’s when real change will take place. 
I will leave your with this very touching first person narrative of Jordan Stephens, a writer/performer best known as one half of British duo Rizzle Kicks. He says he had abused his power in the past but now wishes to lead a more positive life. Here is an extract from the article:

As far as I can see, this toxic notion of masculinity is being championed by men who are so terrified of confronting any trauma experienced as children that they choose to project that torture on to the lives of others rather than themselves.

What’s even more upsetting is that often when men allow themselves to feel this pain, it’s so new to them that they kill themselves. We live in a society where men feel safer killing themselves than acknowledging pain. Accepting the patriarchy from a place of false benefit will prevent you from ever truly loving yourself or understanding others. It’s OK to feel sad. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to have loved your mum and dad growing up. It’s OK to have missed them or wanted more affection. It’s OK to take a moment when you’re reminded of these truths. When you allow your brain to access these emotions, it knows exactly what to do. So nurture yourself. Talk honestly to the people around you, and welcome the notion of understanding them more than you have ever done before.

Reading time: 5 min
A-Z Challenge 2018, Feminism

Why normalizing ’Sexual Objectification’ is dangerous

April 22, 2018 by ashwini 17 Comments
Pic: Skyy vodka ad campaign

What does Sexual Objectification mean?

Sexual objectification is the act of treating a person as a mere object of sexual desire– one that serves another’s sexual pleasure.
When did the term originate?
The phrase “sexual objectification” has been around since the 1970s. Women have been objectified for as long as women have been used for men’s sexual pleasure. If earlier it meant strip tease shows, brothels, and pornographic art, today, it is rampant in our mainstream pop-culture.
How do you know if someone is sexually objectified or not?
A classic question that you can ask is:
Does the image suggest that sexual availability is the defining characteristic of the person? 

Deccan Chronicle Ad

Sometimes sexual objectification does not need an image…words more than suffice. 

.@NandosIndia disgusting, disappointing, disturbing, absolute rubbish# u need sensible marketers @unwomenindia pic.twitter.com/TL8VtKUXQM

— Nishtha Satyam (@SatyamNishtha) March 26, 2016

Source: YouthKiAwaaz
There are several ways women are objectified in ads. Read this article to find out more. 
Normalizing sexual objectification
Watch this funny video to understand the extents we go to sell a product. 

This video perfectly portrays what I am talking about. Not only do we objectify women everyday…by not saying anything and consuming such content, we normalize it. 
In her thesis for Doctor of Philosophy, Ms. Madhusmita Das analysed 268 advertisements and corroborated the findings with the perceptions of people by surveying 500 respondents to understand the ‘Portrayal of Women in Indian Television Advertisements’. The study found that women in Indian TV advertisements are mostly portrayed in decorative and family role, and rarely as working and free wheeler (Where the decorative role of woman in advertisements refers to the portrayal of women as concern for physical beauty and as sex object and freewheeler as independent decision maker). 
We see it in our movies, our TV shows and our web-series. The only place where we see a few real people and character thankfully are in our short films. What does that mean? That everything that’s commercial needs a sex element to sell it?
Men are also sexually objectified

Source: Feminismindia.com
We have all seen these underwear ads. The man has washboard abs and lip marks all over his body. This ad actually objectifies both men and women. The underlining (pun not intended) idea here is that men who are strong, well-groomed and have a good physique attract women whose job is to then shower the men with attention. 
The effects of sexual objectification
Our images, ads, movies etc. make people feel that their job is to ‘be wanted’. 
The ‘six—pack’ objectification of men results in men wanting to spend too much time in the gym or driving for perfection. It drives many men to consume steroids or body enhancement drugs. Little do they know that unsupervised consumption of such drugs could be fatal. Often in films, if you see an unfit guy, he will play the role of the hero’s friend and is usually funny. The message to men: if you are not good-looking, you better be funny!
While men are objectified, the extent of it is limited. Also, as we saw in the above ad, the power-play between men and women still tends to be intact with the man shown as the more dominant one. 
The effect of sexual objectification on women on the other hand, has more far-reaching impact. The need to be viewed as sexual objects creates tremendous pressure. In case one does not measure up to the impossible standards set out by these ads…then it negatively affects your self-worth. This leads to several issues:

           a) Mental health issues

          b) Eating disorders

          c) Sexual dysfunctioning
Read about what NYU Steinhardt Department of Applied Psychology has to say on the effects of sexual objectification on the victim.
The link between sexual objectification and violence
An extensive and terrifying study published in Archives Of Sexual Behavior in 2016 points out how this link tends to work. According to the scientists behind it,

“the more men are exposed to objectifying depictions, the more they will think of women as entities that exist for men’s sexual gratification (specific sexual scripting), and that this dehumanized perspective on women may then be used to inform attitudes regarding sexual violence against women (abstract sexual scripting).”

It is this sense of entitlement that men feel, that leads to sexual assault and rapes. 
Women who play provocative characters in films or any other form of entertainment suffer from the negative aspects of objectification in their real lives as well. 
Recently Hindi Film actress, Vidya Balan revealed that- “Once an Army official came in front of her while I was standing at a station and he was staring at my breasts continuously which made her feel very uncomfortable.”
What followed next will shock you. Army officer named Rahul Sangwan created a video to respond to Vidya Balan’s statement in a poetic manner. The Army Jawan gave an argument that rather than tarnishing the entire defense forces, the actor could have chosen to ignore the man who stared at her. He references her role in Dirty Picture in order to imply that sexual harassment more as a result of female provocation and less as male aggression.

You cannot negate sexual objectification by arguing the right and freedom for women to wear what they want

Source: TheNewsMinute.com

When PETA India ran the above ad, with the ex-porn start lying alluringly on a bed of chillies to encourage the public to stop eating meat. (in line with their international campaigns which are also equally provocative), Sowmya Rajendran from TheNewsMinute wrote an article: ‘PETA India’s Sunny Leone ad: Is it ok to objectify women to save animals?’

PETA India CEO Poorva Joshipura wrote a rejoinder to her article. I have placed an extract of it below:

As a woman who, like Leone, has used both her mind and her body to campaign for animal rights, I have to say that I find it offensive that Rajendran is essentially dictating what another woman must wear, what she should do with her body, and, now, how she should engage in a social justice campaign. Rajendran’s tut-tutting is reminiscent of a father forbidding his daughter from wearing a skirt, and from going out alone, while he decides whom she would marry.

Sowmya wrote back and defended her stand by saying:
One can never talk about the objectification of the female body in any media if we’re going to equate this with someone dictating a woman’s choice of dress. The women we see in films and advertisements are performing with their full consent but that doesn’t mean that there is no objectification involved in these representations and that they cannot be subjected to feminist critique. Or that the companies and organisations who run these campaigns cannot be questioned. 
To conclude, sexual objectification is a dangerous element of our society and I am not being dramatic when I say that it is poisoning people’s minds. When men or women are depicted in all mediums as objects of desire whose aim is ‘being wanted’, the pressure to match up with the impossible standards of physical appeal is incredible. On the other hand, glorifying man’s entitlement is normalizing rape as well. High-time we stop normalizing sexual objectification. 
Reading time: 6 min
A-Z Challenge 2018, Featured, Feminism

Rape Culture Is Real

April 20, 2018 by ashwini 20 Comments
Source: thedailybanter.com

We feel bad. We shake our head. Yet another rape. Another gangrape. ‘Kya hoga is country ka?’ And we go back to sipping our tea. Little do we know that we are adding fuel to the fire. Yes, my friends, we are propagating the rape culture.

The title image indicates just what Rape Culture is about. If Rape Culture dismisses rape…it dismisses itself as well!

Rape is “the violation of another person’s autonomy, the use of another person’s body against their wishes.”
Rape culture is…

Source:The Quint
This mentality is deep-rooted and is the reason why we have been hearing of so many rape cases in the news of late. Rape culture does not imply promoting rape. It’s an undercurrent in our cultural practices that makes excuses for sexual violence.
Here is a video that speaks of the Rape Culture prevalent in Haryana. (I have mentioned this in a previous post but would like to highlight it here.)
Here are some excerpts from the video that will make you seethe in anger: 
‘Rape is Consensual’ 

“Once a girl turns 14 or 15, you can’t call it rape after that. There is always consent.”
– An elderly man in Mankawas village, Charkhi Dadri district 

“Blame the victim” 

“The girl has to have done something wrong, that’s why she’s been raped.”
– A Class 8 boy from Bhiwani 

“Both the boy and the girl have done something wrong. Then why is it that only the boy is held responsible? The girl gets to stay at home, the boy is sent to jail. What sort of a law is this?”
– Mother of a rape accused in the Charkhi Dadri district

This is our world. And let me tell you…it was always this way. 

Rape culture is not just prevalent in Haryana. It is everywhere. Women have historically been considered second-class citizens who were not thought to deserve the same rights as their male counterparts. Our patriarchal system is the reason why we think and behave this way. 
In a fellow blogger, Kanika’s blog post I read that it was believed that a female orgasm is essential for conception. So if an alleged rape results in a pregnancy, then it can’t be a rape at all, because the woman experienced pleasure! The truth is that an orgasm is involuntary and can occur during rape. This does not take away from the heinousness of the crime. 
And rape culture is the sad reality that in 127 countries rape within marriage is still not considered a crime, including in India!

The system of rape culture affects men too

“Toxic masculinity”. is a gender stereotype burdening the men in society, depicting them as sexually driven, violent beings. This is the reason why men do not complain when they are raped. They are ashamed of the trauma. 

Want to hear how the issues of rapes can be solved? 

A Khap Panchyat member Sube Singh had given a bizzare ‘solution’ to the ‘rapes’ and suggested that the marriageable age for girls should be reduced to 16 years. He later blamed movies and television for rapes. 

A friend asked me if rapes will stop if we legalize prostitution. Or if it will stop if we fast track cases for speedy justice. Sure these measures will help. We must do everything we can to ensure that lesser women feel unsafe. We need legal reforms, policy reforms. more structures in place that allow women to feel safe enough to raise their voice against assaults. Marital Rape must be made a criminal offense in India. 
But its more important that we change our behaviours and mental attitudes to prevent rapes

1) We should not just say ‘Aur ek rape ho gaya’ and move on with our lives 
As a society, we cannot turn our heads against what is happening around us. We must raise our voices. We must encourage women to name and shame their abusers. We must not let our fandom or our ostrich mentality get in the way of justice. 
2) We should not declare that rape is consensual 
We need to support and be part of as many organizations as we can to change the mentality that rape = sex and rape cannot occur without consent. Rape is not sex and whenever force is used for sex without the other’s consent, it is rape. 
3) We should not declare that the victim is at fault
Going back to the definition of rape: “the violation of another person’s autonomy, the use of another person’s body against their wishes.” That means the rapist is always at fault, not the victim. 

4) We should not think that marrying the rapist solves the problem 
Again, please look at the definition. The crime of being forced to do something against their will can’t suddenly stop being a crime because of marriage. 
5) We should not doubt the Victim 
Yesterday, Ali Zafar, the Pakistani singer was accused of sexual harassment by another singer. The news broke out in the morning. During the day, as usual there were a bunch of celebrities who came out saying they didn’t know the facts of the case, but Ali could not have done it. Of, course a lot of fans showed their support. Really? Fandom before empathy? And towards the end of the day, we had more women come forward with allegations. Why do people judge the victim or doubt her instead of giving her the benefit of doubt?! Is it because most men find it easy to be in the shoes of the man and not the woman? 
6) We should not support Rape Jokes 
This angers me more than anything. How can anything about rape by funny? Why do we dismiss it? It is imperative that we do not create, share, like or encourage any jokes that objectify women. It’s not that women can’t handle jokes. But rape jokes are a no-no. 
7) We should boycott our misogynist pop culture 
We all know how anyone with a conscience feels when we see such stories. These get made because we watch them. And because they get made, we watch them. Why does a smoking scene require a disclaimer and an item number doesn’t!? Maybe because in some movies… the whole time the movie is played we’ll need the disclaimer: ‘Objectifying women is wrong’ !! It’s a vicious cycle. Let’s put an end to this. 
8) We should not indulge in Gender stereotyping 
Women and men don’t “have” to do anything or be anyone. This is the root of the problem. Men don’t need to be “macho” or “powerful” and women don’t need to be “submissive”. 
9) We should teach our children well
We need children to be taught how to behave with women and with other boys when they speak about women. We must teach them the importance of consent. That’s how we ensure a better future. 
10) We should not allow our politicians to get away from discharging their responsibilities
We must not allow people in power do any or all of the above. We must hold our politicians accountable for the safety of our women.

What are your thoughts on the rape culture and on the recent situation in our country? Do share your views.

Reading time: 6 min
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About me

image Dreamer. Untamed Spirit. Freelance Writer & Blogger.

I try and keep my writing as honest as possible and write from the perspective of a 'Happy Feminist'. If you like reading heart-felt long posts on contemporary and relatable topics, you have reached the right place!

I also enjoy interviewing interesting personalities. If you are an author, a blogger, an entrepreneur, a sportsperson, or someone who believes your lifestory must be told, I am all ears! I would love to share it with the world. :)

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